the end...

goodbye Mr.X...

it's been a great journey... our craziness has complimented & driven each other beyond what we thought was possible...

you were my knight in shining armour... and i was your princess who you let your guard down for...
you've said that i know you better than anyone else... why does it feel that you're still a stranger?
i feel sorry for those who think they know you better than anyone.... they really have no clue, do they?

it's strange how things turned out... one day we were on cloud 9... planning to live abroad... somewhere exotic, different, new... i couldn't imagine life without you...

now...

i cant imagine my life with you...

you hurt me deeply for a long time... yet no one saw this but me...
you demanded i change... not for the better... but just so you could see the power you had over me in play...
you threw me around like a ragdoll.... you manipulated my behaviour & emotions to suit you...
you blamed me when you knew it was your fault...
you made me feel like i was crazy... when in reality, it was you who couldn't get your shit in order...

your family & friends saw me as a head fuck... i hurt you & changed you... i controlled you & didnt give you the freedom you wanted... i was relentless...
i caused a distance in your family somehow....?

i wasn't... i let u do what you wanted... i encouraged you to spend more time with your family & friends... yet you didnt...
i dealt with the abused hurled at me from your family... because i love you...
they crushed me... everytime i was around them... i wanted to die.
it would've been a lot easier than trying to impress them.
i had nothing against them... yet everything i said.. everything i was... was held against me.
i dont understand why i wasn't good enough...

i helped you more than anyone has in your world... not financially... on a completely different level...
i gave you unconditional love...
yet you spat it back in my face...
you chased another girl... i broke my first bone because you were unfaithful to me...
yet you claim that you dont remember it happening... i had proof & you knew it... denial.
you promised me you'd do anything in your power to win me back... for me to trust you again...
yet conveniently, when my broken bone healed... your promise disappeared...
you forgot that you were trying to prove yourself trustworthy to me...

instead of you loving me more... you grew less & less patient with me... you got angry with me and tried to hurry the healing process...
somehow you took my hurt and turned it into making me feel like i owed you something...
i had to change myself to make you happier...
you told me when to do what...
how to behave...

you may have not cared who or where or when i went out...
you gave me freedom in that way... but i was your prisoner... you manipulated me as a person... all because i trusted you...

i found the truth behind your innocent eyes... they're so deceiving.

it's all about the power to you...
and i gave it to you... i let you do what you wanted...
i changed to make you happier... i let you tame me...

never will you have that part of me again...
you want us to be friends... i do too...
on one condition....
only if you dont obsess over having power over the friendship...
you will never have that over me again...
i wont let you.

you will never see me the way i was with you..
i was too nice.. too generous.. i gave you my fucking heart.

Ms.X is gone... forever

thank you for the memories.. the strength to live...

im not able to be me... without being criticised & changed.... manipulated.

it really is.... the end.

i forgot about my blog!

wooooh...
it's been quite a while since my last entry on this...
a lil update cos the past couple of months have been quite blurred for some reason...
and no... it's actually not drug induced!
i'm working back @ salesforce now... this time in St. Kilda... i'm a salesperson now... which is good cos it's awesome money, but @ the same time it does stress me out a fair bit when i'm not having a good day with my sales.

Mr.X is now running his own kitchen in a cafe in ritzy snooty brighton & loving it!
i'm so proud of him... he was there for a week & the owner basically handed all the kitchen duties & responsibilities over to him to delegate... yay baby! he's been trying out new recipes & experimenting with heaps of stuff, which is what he wanted.. so yeah... things are going great...
everything is moving a lot slower than we'd hoped.... but isn't that always the case (especially with Mr.X & i) hahaha...

At the moment, we're slowly saving up money to get a house a little further out from where we were before moving to Sydney... we both want a yard & a little house with a couple of rooms... i guess the whole trip thing matured the both of us & we want different things compared to what we wanted last year sometime...

im looking forward to being able to sleep in his arms again... getting a puppy... going away for weekends.. having lazy sundays & just being us in privacy... i miss us...

i've realised that life isn't all about having fun & getting fucked up... pretending you were okay, when things were crumbling...
Mr.X & i have gone through a lot together in the past couple of months. Within the relationship, as well as in our separate lives... it's not for me to say what has happened in Mr.X's life... but he's dealt with it better than i would've & he's had his fair share of downs lately...

As for myself... my mum's health is deteriorating... she's got cirrhosis of the liver somehow... or that's what i've made of the mumb0-jumbo chinese medical terminology mum spat for me... she passed out one day & had to get taken to hospital... people don't just fucken faint ! stupid fucking doctors she goes to... dont know fucken jack shit...
dad's still not drinking alcohol.. it's been a while, he's changed quite a bit.. he actually picks me up from the station n stuff & talks to me... it's been a long long long time since we've gotten a long... probably 7 years or so... it's good having dad back!...

it's weird that when you're angry @ someone... you make yourself forget the good times you use to have together.... was it anger.... or that i was just young? i dont know... but going through childhood photos brought back good memories...

my mental health has been up n down for a while now... since being back i guess... it was pretty hard getting back into the whole 'work' thing... i've been keeping my 'downs' pretty tame... i've got some sort of control... but it still doesn't feel nice to feel low.... but yeh, i've finally adapted and i'm actually enjoying doing something everyday.. at least it keeps my mind off shit hehe...

ehh... so... i fell down the stairs @ the movies a few weeks ago... it was fucked cos we left the movie early... and i slipped.. ankled rolled & surfed a few of the stairs... i stood up & absolutely pissed myself.... so did Mr.X (after making sure i was okay though) ... he still hasn't let me live it down yet hahhaa

last night we had a work function @ strike bowling ... obviously i had 4 beers & a tequila shottie... oh and something like a lemon, lime & vodka.. and i was running around the place hi-5ing everyone and doing all sorts of yelling n screaming.. work mate rolled me off the couch a few times too... so my ass is fucken killing me!

i miss my baby... hopefully we'll move in together again soon enough... i just miss living our own lives... it sux intruding on others' lives just so we can survive....

i just wanna yell a shout out to my family & friends (including Mr.X's family - cos you're my family too :D ) ...i just want to thank you for all the support you've given both of us... i know we've made massive mistakes, but i assure you... we've learned a lot in the past few months.... on that note... i cant promise we wont fuck up again... but definitely will try... Thank you... from the bottom of my heart.... we'd be in a pretty shitty situation if it weren't for you all... we'll be out of your hair soon enough and definitely will show our appreciation...xoxo

that's enough for one night...
much love to all...
xx - Miss.X - xx

blah

so now... we're back in melbourne for good....
we just figured... what's the fucking point of saving up in sydney... to pretty much have nothing.. only to move back to melbourne where home really is....
as much as i loved sydney... im a melbournian @ heart.

i cant do a transfer from work cos i haven't been there long enough... but my team leader said to mention i worked @ salesforce in sydney.... team development should have me on file or something... i didnt really hear all of it... but yeah something along those lines... i already miss work but im loving being home more so it cancels it out :P

so... got booked doing 138kph towards melbourne... unregistered car.. but luckily the cop didn't check... it sucks being broke... i have a tan line across my chest from the seatbelt !! >_< !!! and my driving arm is back too.. lol.. but yeah....

i drove from 10am - 9pm..... WOO HOO!!!! with lil breaks in between... but both of us could tell the drive was getting to me cos i was getting shitty periodically through the end parts of the drive... blah.... the car's fucked...

anyways... kinda scared about the next few weeks/months cos we gotta pretty much start from scratch again... but yeah i miss having our lil 'thang' goin on again...

newaiz... pipe's comin my way so i'll end it here.. xoxo

rock n roll
-s2- Miss.X

p.s - i just found out i have bi-polar.... all this time i just thought it was depression... lol i guess i'll listen a bit more carefully when i'm in the doc's office from now on lol....

we're the girls of 2007!!

sex, drugs, rock & roll..

speed... weed & birth control..

shake ur ass, wear a thong.. time 2 party all night long...

take a shot, drink a lot.. have a toke...

ride a guy you think is hot...

life is great..

sex is heaven..

happy new year & goodbye to 2007!!!

My true state

lonely... bored... empty... lost...

wake up to an empty bed... no words are spoken in the house anymore... nor hugs, nor kisses exchanged...

work mates aren't necessarily "friends"... i don't have anything against any of them... but working with people and talking to them.. doesn't equal friendship....

i go home alone... have a crappy dinner... or i wont eat anything at all...
i don't want to eat.... i don't want to sleep... i pop a mogadon... no temazepam's left.... so i'm drowsy as i fall out of bed... i don't care what i wear... i don't want to put make up on... i haven't done my hair for 4 days now... wash... towel dry... tie up.... i look like an utter fucking wreck...
my clothes don't match... my shoes don't either... i don't care what i look like anymore... who's there to impress?

i don't rush home after work anymore... i hold out on going home as much as i can... i drag out the time @ the pub after work... i hang out with randoms... i don't want to go back to that empty house... full of painful memories of you.... of us...

i know we're still together... but being 900 odd kms away from you makes things so much harder.... it was hard enough trying to figure out what you were thinking & feelings when i could ask you... when i could see you & talk to you.... it's impossible now... now i rely on making sure i have my phone on me at all times... answering straight away when it's anonymous, even if i'm on the phone with a customer during work....

my mind is filled with doubt... do you still love me as you say you do? will you really come back to me?

there's not been many times where i've had so many fucking emotions within me all at once... all so strong... i'm laughing alone one second... bawling my eyes out, curled in a ball in the corner of the room the next... i'm driving myself to insanity... i'm un-doing all your hard work....

it hasn't even been a week yet... i'm running out of things to do to occupy my time... it scares me to think this could last for months... maybe forever? i'm so lost within ..... i dont even know anymore.... i dont know who i am without you.... i dont know who you are anymore because you pushed the paranoia out of my head, only to prove me right.... i dont know why this hurts so much... i dont understand how missing someone turns into physical pain... i dont know how to make this shit go away without getting drunk or high... i'm craving drugs crazily... i want to be numb.... i dont even like drinking... yet i find myself going to the bottle every night... it's strangely comforting.

i'm falling apart at the seams...

i dont know what to say to you to make you feel better... i just want to hold you... touch means so much more in these times than words do...

a few days before you left... at every chance i could... i wanted to touch you... to hug you.. to kiss you... i didnt understand where the urge came from.... but i guess i'm glad it did come...
maybe on a subconscious level... i knew u were leaving... i dunno.. maybe i'm tripping out... i can't explain it...

i gotta keep this act on... hopefully if it plays out long enough.. i will be happy.. instead of just faking it..

i'll end this here...

i'm sorry for everything...

i'm sorry that im being so selfish... i know why you are where you are... and i accept it...

love surprises me all the time... and it's always a feeling of desperation

-s2 me-

My Dearest Mr.X...

Mr.X
Missing you lots...
i'm enjoying this alone time... although i hope it doesn't last too fricken long cos yeah...
i need you...
i know that you're finding it hard being apart, as i am too...
but know that i hold your promise close to my heart and my promise to you i'll always keep...
i dont know what it is... i do trust you... but at the same time my heart's telling me to be cautious.
maybe it's from whatever's happened in the past... and babe, i have forgiven you for everything, it's hard to forget though...
and no... this isn't me throwing everything you've told me back into your face.. and im holding nothing against you.
i'm just scared as fuck that i'll lose you again.... that your heart may wonder...
that you might forget why we started this whole journey in the first place...

i have such conflicting emotions when it comes to what you said.. "it's the committment"
i understand why it scares you... but you entered this relationship ... you made the choices i did... you asked me to move in with you... and then you said that living together was too "marriage-like" ... i agree... but why does us living together have to fall into any category?

all i know is that i love you and miss being in your arms... i was really hurt when you left, but i guess things patch themselves up... and things between us are slowly getting back on track....

i will wait for you and stay faithful to you.... this is a promise that i KNOW i wont break... i simply dont have it in me to hurt you that way... in any way... (well i try my best not to.. im getting better @ not bein such a spaz)

absence makes the heart grow stronger.... i always knew that saying was true... so true that i wanted to avoid absence at all costs.. simply because the heart only grows stronger out of pain from not having your significant other close by.... my heart grows stronger without having to go thru this pain of missing you...

when you're by my side... within walking distance... bus distance.... in the same state.... i feel so safe... i feel confident.. i feel as though nothing, no one can harm me....
i can truly be myself without worrying about people judging me... cos ultimately, the only person's judgement that matters to me is yours.... and i know that you don't judge me in negative ways.... no matter how much i fuck up.

i've found it hard to be myself the past couple of days. i feel a lot more reserved.... i feel paranoid again... i feel that there are people talking about me... they're laughing @ me....
i know they aren't.... but for some reason, when you left... my confidence left & paranoia came back.... and this isn't me making you feel bad... it's just something i've noticed since you've gone...

i just wanna see you again.... i never want to feel this pain ever again.... i've lost you before and i cant lose you again.... i hope you're sorting things out in your head... i want to help you... but it seems as though when your head gets a bit shitty.. you push me away and run away....

i know that you gotta do what you gotta do... i respect that...
it's a huge thing for me to be able to let you go and not be so selfish as to hold you back.... for my own reasons.... cos of my insecurities and fears....
i hope that if nothing i've done has proved how much i love you... this does...

i cant wait to hear my phone ringing again.... -anonymous- i hope it's you.... take care of yourself.... please be good.... and most of all...
please come back to me in one peace baby...

love you so much...

always yours,
Miss. X


p.s - please send my love and regards to your mother & sisters in this time of hardship & need... i wish there was something i could do to console you all...
*hugs & kisses*

non judgement

what i've realised... a couple of weeks ago.. (but i've been too busy with random shit to blog it)... is that when you're in a place where no one knows you or anything about you.. they have to take you for what you say you are... or the way you behave...

i think i may have mentioned this briefly.. or i may just be trippin out...
anyways..

I've always been the annoying chick.. the one with the fkt up relatives.. the one with the gangster ex boyfriends... the one who hung out with the skanks, therefore i was apparently one too... the one who hung out with bimbos... the one who hung out with the wrong people... the one who was a good girl... the one who ... i dunno.. the list fucken goes on... but my point is..

now i'm just the girl from Melbourne... the new asian chick with big boobs... the loud one... the cute one... the one with the bf that always visits cos they're so in love... the one who's always happy.. the one who seems a bit weird... but not weird enough to dislike....

everyone at work has to take me for me.... they have to take me for what i show... i didn't think it'd be such a huge thing... but i guess "reputations" really effect the way people treat & see you...

im glad that for once... EVERYONE is just taking me for face value... there's no bias... there's no pre-judgement from just words or relations..

it's such a welcomed change...