Monday, October 29, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
car's fucked
moved back home with mum n dad
within 5 minutes of being around my dad... he starts shit... like we all knew he would
i've cried more in the past couple of days than i ever have
i drove @ 3.30am on Mogadon to see if he was okay
it didnt turn out how i thought it would
they flipped & told me to leave or else the cops would be called
helpless.... cold... worried... scared... sorry... but most of all.. angry at myself
driving an hour & a half back home on an empty tank falling asleep @ the wheel
searching for something solid to drive into to cause sudden death
a promise is a promise...
i told him i needed him
no sleep
no food
no cutting
i should be so proud that i didnt give in to my blade...
i no longer feel content with life
i so desperately need to be in his arms
i need to show him how much he means to me
i wish i didnt have this stupid fucking brain that short circuited and pissed everyone off
just once a while..... when i think i've got it under control... it rears its ugly head and reminds myself & those closest to me how fucked i really am...
i snap into a rage....
an utter darkness
no one... nothing matters... not those i love, not life itself...
i do things...
i say that it's not me.... im not thinking...
but really, i am thinking... i am me...
it's just an ugly side of me that i cant control...
that i hate... that i'd to anything to get rid of...
dose me up on prescriptions... illicit substances...
but i'll snap out of it soon enough and flip out @ those who matter the most...
the look on mum's face when i was lying in bed curled in a ball as i screamed "mama, i dont wanna live anymore.... i dont wanna fight anymore... everything's fucked... i dont want to ever wake up"
she stared @ me with emptiness.... i knew she wanted to help her baby and take my pain away but this was the first time in 20 years she's ever seen this side...
i crawled out of bed this afternoon after the long drive... after yet another Mogadon not doing anything... threw myself into the shower...and convinced myself that if i did my hair & make up... it'll all be better...
so i wasted 2 hours trying to look better.... it didnt work...
mum came home.... and i apologised for last night....
"sorry mama... im okay now... i didnt mean to worry you.... sometimes i just go insane.... i told you i was crazy"
mum replies with a smile and tells me to eat something & stop thinking so much....
mum & dad want me to go to china.... cos apparently going there solves every problem under the sun... i'd die within a week... i cant speak chinese for shit..!!
the phone rang... it was him.
the one i've been yearning to hear from for so long.... it was only hours...but it felt like years.
i couldnt control my tears & i had to apologise for the stupid inexcusable behaviour... to his mum, sister & him. He told me everything would be okay... to get some food & rest...
I love you.... I love you too baby..
i am so ashamed... i just need to be me... without this dark shadow hanging over my head...
let me live
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
- Some people have been honest with me... and i've remained friends with till this day... amazingly they can actually stand me ...
- Some people have been honest with me and told me what they've found annoying... i've either toned it down a bit.. or simply fucked them off...
but i've come to realise lately, that shitloads of people have pretended that everything was fine, but thought something else... and they were too cowardly to come out with it and just voice it...
All i've got to say is.... grow some fucking balls & be honest... it'd save a lot of my time as well as yours... (which i dont really give 2 fucks about)... it'd cut out shitloads of bullshit and effort on both sides...
Maybe it's just the kind of personality i have... im not shy to voice my opinions n shit... so i find it hard to understand why people just come out and say what they are really thinking....
Are people so afraid that they'll pretend to get along with ya... just to keep the peace..? jeebus.. im a 5'1 asian chick who giggles at everything that moves...
how the fuck can anyone be scared of me??!!
Why can't people just be honest...?
Anyone got any clues as to why...? this shit is really busting my balls... (or lack off)
tattoos & teardrops... with love & hate.... Miss. X
*mwOarz*
Sunday, October 7, 2007
You're a 90s kid if:
You can finish this
[Ice Ice _ _ _ _ ]
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin West Philidelphia, born and raised . . ."
You remember watching:
- Hey Arnold
- The Bugs Bunny Show
- Ren & Stimpy
- Pinky and the Brain
- AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
- Rocko's Modern Life.
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
FastFoward was the greatest sketch show on TV.
You remember:
- Step by Step
- Family Matters
- Dinosaurs
- Boy Meets World
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps" and "Animorphs."
Paul Jennings and Andy Griffiths were the funniest authors of all time.
You watched Round the Twist!
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You said "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
When everything was settled by:
- Rock, Scissors, Paper
- Dip dip...
- There's a party by the pool, would you like to come?
- Eeny, meeny, miny, mo!
When Cops & Robbers was a daily activity.
When we played Tiggy, Safe, 40/40 and Hide & Seek until our legs grew numb.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of all time.
Tazos owned chip packets.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You remember when Super Nintendo and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Wally books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember Push Pops and Lucky Dips.
And YoGo gorilla... and the original Cocoa Pops monkey: "It's just like a chocolate milkshake - only crunchy!"
Home-made birthday cards were cool, especially the ones where you'd cut a mouth into it so that it opened up and a tongue popped out.
Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them.
Tamagotchis had to be banned in school because of their popularity.
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet with dial up!Juice boxes where only 80cents.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
You knew Michael Jordan was the best all-time basketballer who played for the Chicago Bulls, even though we don't follow NBA basketball.
Barbie & Ken by Mattel owned the shelves.
World 4 Kids, before Toys R Us.
Playdough was the coolest stuff invented.
You understand when I say "Cheez TV".
You collected all the Troll dolls.
If you even know what a walkman is.
The original Pokemon with Ash, Misty and Brock.
Before those try-hards at the Yu-Gi-Oh production plant.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena off by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You went to McDonald's to play in the playground, and Happy Meals only cost $2.95 for a cheeseburger, small fries and coke.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
You had slap bracelets!
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When petrol was $0.65 a litre & Caller ID was a new thing.
When you had to be one lucky kid to get a mobile phone before you were 16.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90s so much!!!!!
Labels: 90's
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Labels: blood, depression, poetry
Monday, October 1, 2007
im getting into the lifestyle of a bum...
i feel quite guilty due to the fact that im totally useless and a drain on society... fulfilling NO beneficial function whatsoever.
im living up in the country in a "A Country Practice" looking house... with nothing but lush green grass, gorgeous cows & towering trees as far as the eye can see...
so... what the fuck is the problem, you may ask??
Now do you see my little dilemma??
its who i spent time with... not who i bitched about...
well, that's enough for today... i'll update again when i have something nice to say
with love & hate...