Monday, October 29, 2007

thieves... lol

so... the past couple of days have been pretty hard...
we were staying @ my mate's house and shit went haywire.... after a night of shitloads of drinks & trying Ammol for the first time.... curiosity is too hard to fight haha..
Ginger & Persia (our hosts) were getting ready with their friend (who decided she needed to stay with them last minute... thus leaving us pretty much fucked with no bed...)
we thought we'd be there till thursday... but anyways, as the drinks flowed & i was finding it harder & harder to stand upright... the cops rocked up @ midnight and told us off and threatened arrest... sydney piggies are fucked...
Anyways, Ginger & Persia asked everyone to come into the loungeroom for a "talk"... they didnt look too happy & i had no idea what it was about.... apparently someone had pinched $100 from some canister & Ginger's wallet....
Now, looky here... i would love to be able to steal shit cos god knows, we need all the help we can get (or steal lol) but i dont have the ability to conceal my snoopings or the capabilities to ignore my guilt... accusations were flying around and the stupid bitch that has been Ginger's friend for far too long & they've had way too much sex to have any sort of "normal" friendship.... (on that note... they think incest is quite a normal thing... and EVERYONE goes through it... Mr.X & myself had our jaws on the floor.. cos... WHAT THE FUCK??!!!)
anyway, the stupid bitch started saying "i think u guys have overstayed your welcome" ... er excuse me... we've been nothing but respectful, grateful & polite to both of our hosts.
Ginger & i both ended up crying... him because he's a queen & me because i was way to intoxicated to know what was going on.... i didnt take the money... and i just knew he was upset... so i got upset.... alcohol makes me emotional hahaha...
that was before Mr.X & i were alone having a ciggarette & he pulled out what looked like a huge wad of cash... i just laughed and didnt realise what was going on.... or did i..??!?!
so.... Mr.X was packing up the car & i was trying desperately to sober enough to drive.... we left with sobby goodbyes & i wanted to smash the stupid incest bitch for talking so much shit...
they made me drive after practically pouring alcohol down my throat & getting me to sniff Ammol.... (god the shit's awesome).... so Mr.X & i pulled up in the car and i was so drunk i passed out pretty much straight away... the rest is a blur but i was awoken because some dickhead was walking around our car on the phone looking suss..... we drove around this shitty part of town to find a motel.... checked in & passed the fuck out...
we're struggling for cash.... with our last $40 to last us till Mr.X gets paid from his new job with our ex-hosts. hopefully we can come up with some cash before then for food... sleeping in the car is fucken painful... we need some weed to relax...
hopefully, shit starts looking up soon... if not.... we're robbin cunts!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007

well the past couple of days have been a rollercoaster & a half...
Mittagong
we pull in after a few hours of driving... very fkn wet weather, the car sliding around the road ... scared shitless, trying to stay awake...
walking up to the cafe... a woman in her late 40's is pointing her finger.... with bright pink manicured nails @ some random skank hoe sitting outside her cafe... swearing.
a swarm of teens are surrounding them.... a few with young kids... they all look about 16.
Mr.X grabs 2 V's & 2 redbulls.... as we down our drinks and head toward the car... 2 older guys stumble out of the local pub and are yelling & swearing... i couldnt help but laugh!
within 5 minutes of being in this so called Mittagong.... a old school looking quiet little town... 2 near punch-ons .. hahaha... as Mr.X and i were skulling our drinks to get caffeine hits we look to each other & start laughing....
"this is the kind of place kids get kidnapped n shit" ... i couldn't have said it better Mr.X . NICE!!
we jumped into the car & headed to Sydney.... hotels are all full... backpackers in the city have no parking and there's no fucking way in hell we can afford $40 a night for parking....
we've been driving since 11am and it's now 9.30pm.... after both near losing it... getting near panic attacks... we decide to pull up in some place called "Penrith"... i saw three 12 year olds (apparently called LADS) i was scared... Mr.X said we'd sleep in the car & he'd hold onto our machete just in case....
mum calls & asks if i need her to hook us up with her mate... which i hate..
"nah mum i'd rather sleep in the car.. thanks.. goodnight"
as we put our seats down to crash.... the phone rings... it's my old work buddy...
we drive an hour to their house.... i've never been so tired from driving before.... so wound up... so cramped....
we rocked up.. parked the car & ran out for hugs as a huge sense of relief overcomes both myself & Mr.X...
after 2 bottles of champagne between the 4 of us... we go to bed.... im fucking exhausted... yet i cant get to sleep...
im free...
i want to let Mr.X's mother know he's okay and he's smiling & back to himself again...
it's beautiful outside and we're going to go for a walk...
xoxo
with much love, hate & freedom
Miss.X

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mr.X doesnt wanna hear about his family & the abuse they've dished out to me over the phone... which is understandable... so i'll just say what i need to say on here.... i'm not using names due to respect... yes... as much as u've pissed me off and pointed the finger at me... i still do respect you....
You say that i've made your son's head fucked up.... i might when we argue but i have a slight idea what's going on inside your son's head... can you say that you do?? what he does & says is different to what he thinks.... i still have no idea what he really thinks about... but i know enough to know that he really does have problems.. like all of us do.... why wont u just admit that to yourself?
you say i'm relentless and that im a "fucking slut" and that i'm bad for your son.... have you stopped to think about what you shovelling speed into him does?? he's told you in the past he's had problems with it... yet you dont give 2 fucks enough to hide it away so he cant get to it or to even tell him to slow down a bit.....
you know more than anyone how the shit fucks with ppl's heads.... so why wont u just admit that you may be more apart of the problem than you think...?
i know a lot of parents are in denial about their kids having problems.... but this is something u cant keep cracking it @ his girlfriends for.... you really hurt me by the things you've said...
i've been a positive influence on his life... not to sound like i'm self obsessed or that i've got a big head or anything... but he's said so to me himself & i know he wouldnt unless he meant it.
yes... we have our ups & downs.... and yes it makes both of us go insane & break stuff & punch hard shit.... but if we truly didnt love each other... we wouldnt have that kind of effect on each other... now would we??!!
we both love him so much & there's nothing neither of us wouldnt give up for him... stop with the name calling... i've copped enough abuse from you...
you son ran away from your home.... doesnt that say anything at all??
i know you hate me and blame me for everything.... i can understand why but in no way is it excuseable.
stop worrying.... our number 1 priorities are the same.... i promise i will look after him as i know he will me.
and on that note... i will say goodbye for another night
xoxo
with love & hate
Miss X

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

no job
car's fucked
moved back home with mum n dad
within 5 minutes of being around my dad... he starts shit... like we all knew he would
i've cried more in the past couple of days than i ever have
i drove @ 3.30am on Mogadon to see if he was okay
it didnt turn out how i thought it would
they flipped & told me to leave or else the cops would be called
helpless.... cold... worried... scared... sorry... but most of all.. angry at myself
driving an hour & a half back home on an empty tank falling asleep @ the wheel
searching for something solid to drive into to cause sudden death
a promise is a promise...
i told him i needed him
no sleep
no food
no cutting
i should be so proud that i didnt give in to my blade...
i no longer feel content with life
i so desperately need to be in his arms
i need to show him how much he means to me
i wish i didnt have this stupid fucking brain that short circuited and pissed everyone off

just once a while..... when i think i've got it under control... it rears its ugly head and reminds myself & those closest to me how fucked i really am...

i snap into a rage....
an utter darkness
no one... nothing matters... not those i love, not life itself...

i do things...
i say that it's not me.... im not thinking...
but really, i am thinking... i am me...
it's just an ugly side of me that i cant control...
that i hate... that i'd to anything to get rid of...

dose me up on prescriptions... illicit substances...
but i'll snap out of it soon enough and flip out @ those who matter the most...

the look on mum's face when i was lying in bed curled in a ball as i screamed "mama, i dont wanna live anymore.... i dont wanna fight anymore... everything's fucked... i dont want to ever wake up"

she stared @ me with emptiness.... i knew she wanted to help her baby and take my pain away but this was the first time in 20 years she's ever seen this side...

i crawled out of bed this afternoon after the long drive... after yet another Mogadon not doing anything... threw myself into the shower...and convinced myself that if i did my hair & make up... it'll all be better...

so i wasted 2 hours trying to look better.... it didnt work...


mum came home.... and i apologised for last night....
"sorry mama... im okay now... i didnt mean to worry you.... sometimes i just go insane.... i told you i was crazy"

mum replies with a smile and tells me to eat something & stop thinking so much....
mum & dad want me to go to china.... cos apparently going there solves every problem under the sun... i'd die within a week... i cant speak chinese for shit..!!

the phone rang... it was him.
the one i've been yearning to hear from for so long.... it was only hours...but it felt like years.
i couldnt control my tears & i had to apologise for the stupid inexcusable behaviour... to his mum, sister & him. He told me everything would be okay... to get some food & rest...

I love you.... I love you too baby..

i am so ashamed... i just need to be me... without this dark shadow hanging over my head...

let me live


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

fake front

im so fucking sick of "fake" cunts...
i'd like to think that i am a certain way...
that im honest... sometimes brutally honest...
i always thought that because i am like that... it'd be easier for people to be honest with me...
i know i can be annoying cos im hyperactive a lot of the time and usually am bouncing off the walls...
so i've grown to cut to the shit and just be straight out..
"if u think im annoying and u dont like me... tell me and i'll fuck off"
Responses;
  • Some people have been honest with me... and i've remained friends with till this day... amazingly they can actually stand me ...
  • Some people have been honest with me and told me what they've found annoying... i've either toned it down a bit.. or simply fucked them off...

but i've come to realise lately, that shitloads of people have pretended that everything was fine, but thought something else... and they were too cowardly to come out with it and just voice it...

All i've got to say is.... grow some fucking balls & be honest... it'd save a lot of my time as well as yours... (which i dont really give 2 fucks about)... it'd cut out shitloads of bullshit and effort on both sides...

Maybe it's just the kind of personality i have... im not shy to voice my opinions n shit... so i find it hard to understand why people just come out and say what they are really thinking....

Are people so afraid that they'll pretend to get along with ya... just to keep the peace..? jeebus.. im a 5'1 asian chick who giggles at everything that moves...

how the fuck can anyone be scared of me??!!

Why can't people just be honest...?

Anyone got any clues as to why...? this shit is really busting my balls... (or lack off)

tattoos & teardrops... with love & hate.... Miss. X

*mwOarz*

Sunday, October 7, 2007



You're a 90s kid if:
You can finish this
[Ice Ice _ _ _ _ ]

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin West Philidelphia, born and raised . . ."

You remember watching:
- Hey Arnold
- The Bugs Bunny Show
- Ren & Stimpy
- Pinky and the Brain
- AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
- Rocko's Modern Life.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

FastFoward was the greatest sketch show on TV.

You remember:
- Step by Step
- Family Matters
- Dinosaurs
- Boy Meets World

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps" and "Animorphs."

Paul Jennings and Andy Griffiths were the funniest authors of all time.
You watched Round the Twist!
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You said "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not

When everything was settled by:
- Rock, Scissors, Paper
- Dip dip...
- There's a party by the pool, would you like to come?
- Eeny, meeny, miny, mo!

When Cops & Robbers was a daily activity.
When we played Tiggy, Safe, 40/40 and Hide & Seek until our legs grew numb.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of all time.
Tazos owned chip packets.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You remember when Super Nintendo and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Wally books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember Push Pops and Lucky Dips.
And YoGo gorilla... and the original Cocoa Pops monkey: "It's just like a chocolate milkshake - only crunchy!"

Home-made birthday cards were cool, especially the ones where you'd cut a mouth into it so that it opened up and a tongue popped out.
Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them.
Tamagotchis had to be banned in school because of their popularity.


You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet with dial up!Juice boxes where only 80cents.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
You knew Michael Jordan was the best all-time basketballer who played for the Chicago Bulls, even though we don't follow NBA basketball.
Barbie & Ken by Mattel owned the shelves.
World 4 Kids, before Toys R Us.
Playdough was the coolest stuff invented.
You understand when I say "Cheez TV".
You collected all the Troll dolls.
If you even know what a walkman is.
The original Pokemon with Ash, Misty and Brock.
Before those try-hards at the Yu-Gi-Oh production plant.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena off by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You went to McDonald's to play in the playground, and Happy Meals only cost $2.95 for a cheeseburger, small fries and coke.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
You had slap bracelets!

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When petrol was $0.65 a litre & Caller ID was a new thing.
When you had to be one lucky kid to get a mobile phone before you were 16.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.

Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90s so much!!!!!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

legs turn to a quivering mess
arms become a canvas for my blade
cheeks feel raw from the constant tears
eyes are swollen & i cant seem to see properly
soul feels crushed by a legion of pain
spirit ... vanished
i feel besieged by this crippling illness...
I’ve been eaten alive by this monster...
this fucking pill doesn’t work!!
I’ve lost the real me...
migraines from sleepless nights crying over nothing in particular...
overwhelming thoughts of nothing ... but everything...
attempts of turning emotional pain to physical don’t seem to work anymore
"small pains" don’t do what they once did...
"big pains" may cause more than just a few drops of blood
i'm on a merry-go-round of depression & i cant fucking get off...
the glamorous life of my depression & i...

Monday, October 1, 2007

Our big adventure hasn't really moved forward at all for a couple of weeks... which i'm strangely enjoying, yet getting quietly shitty about...

im getting into the lifestyle of a bum...

i feel quite guilty due to the fact that im totally useless and a drain on society... fulfilling NO beneficial function whatsoever.

im living up in the country in a "A Country Practice" looking house... with nothing but lush green grass, gorgeous cows & towering trees as far as the eye can see...

the scenery is breathtaking, the air crisp and no one to bother us...

so... what the fuck is the problem, you may ask??

i go to bed at about 12am.... i wake up past noon.... and then we may drive down to melbourne... or spend the day in front of the television watching dickheads like Huey, Judge Judy or god forbid if i woke up early enough.. Kerri Anne...

Now do you see my little dilemma??

im wasting precious time up here on doing NOTHING!!!
From now on... my attitude will change... i need to do more...
its gonna be about what i did today... not what i bought...
its who i spent time with... not who i bitched about...
its about finding fun and what truly makes my heart giddy instead of being so wrapped up in the latest gadgets, celebrity gossip & all the other distractions that we’re constantly bombarded with...
-not that i knew shit about celeb gossip n shit... but u know what i mean!-

well, that's enough for today... i'll update again when i have something nice to say

:D
tattoos & teardrops
with love & hate...
Miss. X