.. :: Tattoos & Teardrops ::..

no job
car's fucked
moved back home with mum n dad
within 5 minutes of being around my dad... he starts shit... like we all knew he would
i've cried more in the past couple of days than i ever have
i drove @ 3.30am on Mogadon to see if he was okay
it didnt turn out how i thought it would
they flipped & told me to leave or else the cops would be called
helpless.... cold... worried... scared... sorry... but most of all.. angry at myself
driving an hour & a half back home on an empty tank falling asleep @ the wheel
searching for something solid to drive into to cause sudden death
a promise is a promise...
i told him i needed him
no sleep
no food
no cutting
i should be so proud that i didnt give in to my blade...
i no longer feel content with life
i so desperately need to be in his arms
i need to show him how much he means to me
i wish i didnt have this stupid fucking brain that short circuited and pissed everyone off

just once a while..... when i think i've got it under control... it rears its ugly head and reminds myself & those closest to me how fucked i really am...

i snap into a rage....
an utter darkness
no one... nothing matters... not those i love, not life itself...

i do things...
i say that it's not me.... im not thinking...
but really, i am thinking... i am me...
it's just an ugly side of me that i cant control...
that i hate... that i'd to anything to get rid of...

dose me up on prescriptions... illicit substances...
but i'll snap out of it soon enough and flip out @ those who matter the most...

the look on mum's face when i was lying in bed curled in a ball as i screamed "mama, i dont wanna live anymore.... i dont wanna fight anymore... everything's fucked... i dont want to ever wake up"

she stared @ me with emptiness.... i knew she wanted to help her baby and take my pain away but this was the first time in 20 years she's ever seen this side...

i crawled out of bed this afternoon after the long drive... after yet another Mogadon not doing anything... threw myself into the shower...and convinced myself that if i did my hair & make up... it'll all be better...

so i wasted 2 hours trying to look better.... it didnt work...


mum came home.... and i apologised for last night....
"sorry mama... im okay now... i didnt mean to worry you.... sometimes i just go insane.... i told you i was crazy"

mum replies with a smile and tells me to eat something & stop thinking so much....
mum & dad want me to go to china.... cos apparently going there solves every problem under the sun... i'd die within a week... i cant speak chinese for shit..!!

the phone rang... it was him.
the one i've been yearning to hear from for so long.... it was only hours...but it felt like years.
i couldnt control my tears & i had to apologise for the stupid inexcusable behaviour... to his mum, sister & him. He told me everything would be okay... to get some food & rest...

I love you.... I love you too baby..

i am so ashamed... i just need to be me... without this dark shadow hanging over my head...

let me live