.. :: Tattoos & Teardrops ::..

wake up to an empty bed... no words are spoken in the house anymore... nor hugs, nor kisses exchanged...

work mates aren't necessarily "friends"... i don't have anything against any of them... but working with people and talking to them.. doesn't equal friendship....

i go home alone... have a crappy dinner... or i wont eat anything at all...
i don't want to eat.... i don't want to sleep... i pop a mogadon... no temazepam's left.... so i'm drowsy as i fall out of bed... i don't care what i wear... i don't want to put make up on... i haven't done my hair for 4 days now... wash... towel dry... tie up.... i look like an utter fucking wreck...
my clothes don't match... my shoes don't either... i don't care what i look like anymore... who's there to impress?

i don't rush home after work anymore... i hold out on going home as much as i can... i drag out the time @ the pub after work... i hang out with randoms... i don't want to go back to that empty house... full of painful memories of you.... of us...

i know we're still together... but being 900 odd kms away from you makes things so much harder.... it was hard enough trying to figure out what you were thinking & feelings when i could ask you... when i could see you & talk to you.... it's impossible now... now i rely on making sure i have my phone on me at all times... answering straight away when it's anonymous, even if i'm on the phone with a customer during work....

my mind is filled with doubt... do you still love me as you say you do? will you really come back to me?

there's not been many times where i've had so many fucking emotions within me all at once... all so strong... i'm laughing alone one second... bawling my eyes out, curled in a ball in the corner of the room the next... i'm driving myself to insanity... i'm un-doing all your hard work....

it hasn't even been a week yet... i'm running out of things to do to occupy my time... it scares me to think this could last for months... maybe forever? i'm so lost within ..... i dont even know anymore.... i dont know who i am without you.... i dont know who you are anymore because you pushed the paranoia out of my head, only to prove me right.... i dont know why this hurts so much... i dont understand how missing someone turns into physical pain... i dont know how to make this shit go away without getting drunk or high... i'm craving drugs crazily... i want to be numb.... i dont even like drinking... yet i find myself going to the bottle every night... it's strangely comforting.

i'm falling apart at the seams...

i dont know what to say to you to make you feel better... i just want to hold you... touch means so much more in these times than words do...

a few days before you left... at every chance i could... i wanted to touch you... to hug you.. to kiss you... i didnt understand where the urge came from.... but i guess i'm glad it did come...
maybe on a subconscious level... i knew u were leaving... i dunno.. maybe i'm tripping out... i can't explain it...

i gotta keep this act on... hopefully if it plays out long enough.. i will be happy.. instead of just faking it..

i'll end this here...

i'm sorry for everything...

i'm sorry that im being so selfish... i know why you are where you are... and i accept it...

love surprises me all the time... and it's always a feeling of desperation

-s2 me-