Monday, December 31, 2007
speed... weed & birth control..
shake ur ass, wear a thong.. time 2 party all night long...
take a shot, drink a lot.. have a toke...
ride a guy you think is hot...
life is great..
sex is heaven..
happy new year & goodbye to 2007!!!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
lonely... bored... empty... lost...
wake up to an empty bed... no words are spoken in the house anymore... nor hugs, nor kisses exchanged...
work mates aren't necessarily "friends"... i don't have anything against any of them... but working with people and talking to them.. doesn't equal friendship....
i go home alone... have a crappy dinner... or i wont eat anything at all...
i don't want to eat.... i don't want to sleep... i pop a mogadon... no temazepam's left.... so i'm drowsy as i fall out of bed... i don't care what i wear... i don't want to put make up on... i haven't done my hair for 4 days now... wash... towel dry... tie up.... i look like an utter fucking wreck...
my clothes don't match... my shoes don't either... i don't care what i look like anymore... who's there to impress?
i don't rush home after work anymore... i hold out on going home as much as i can... i drag out the time @ the pub after work... i hang out with randoms... i don't want to go back to that empty house... full of painful memories of you.... of us...
i know we're still together... but being 900 odd kms away from you makes things so much harder.... it was hard enough trying to figure out what you were thinking & feelings when i could ask you... when i could see you & talk to you.... it's impossible now... now i rely on making sure i have my phone on me at all times... answering straight away when it's anonymous, even if i'm on the phone with a customer during work....
my mind is filled with doubt... do you still love me as you say you do? will you really come back to me?
there's not been many times where i've had so many fucking emotions within me all at once... all so strong... i'm laughing alone one second... bawling my eyes out, curled in a ball in the corner of the room the next... i'm driving myself to insanity... i'm un-doing all your hard work....
it hasn't even been a week yet... i'm running out of things to do to occupy my time... it scares me to think this could last for months... maybe forever? i'm so lost within ..... i dont even know anymore.... i dont know who i am without you.... i dont know who you are anymore because you pushed the paranoia out of my head, only to prove me right.... i dont know why this hurts so much... i dont understand how missing someone turns into physical pain... i dont know how to make this shit go away without getting drunk or high... i'm craving drugs crazily... i want to be numb.... i dont even like drinking... yet i find myself going to the bottle every night... it's strangely comforting.
i'm falling apart at the seams...
i dont know what to say to you to make you feel better... i just want to hold you... touch means so much more in these times than words do...
a few days before you left... at every chance i could... i wanted to touch you... to hug you.. to kiss you... i didnt understand where the urge came from.... but i guess i'm glad it did come...
maybe on a subconscious level... i knew u were leaving... i dunno.. maybe i'm tripping out... i can't explain it...
i gotta keep this act on... hopefully if it plays out long enough.. i will be happy.. instead of just faking it..
i'll end this here...
i'm sorry for everything...
i'm sorry that im being so selfish... i know why you are where you are... and i accept it...
love surprises me all the time... and it's always a feeling of desperation
-s2 me-
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Missing you lots...
i'm enjoying this alone time... although i hope it doesn't last too fricken long cos yeah...
i need you...
i know that you're finding it hard being apart, as i am too...
but know that i hold your promise close to my heart and my promise to you i'll always keep...
i dont know what it is... i do trust you... but at the same time my heart's telling me to be cautious.
maybe it's from whatever's happened in the past... and babe, i have forgiven you for everything, it's hard to forget though...
and no... this isn't me throwing everything you've told me back into your face.. and im holding nothing against you.
i'm just scared as fuck that i'll lose you again.... that your heart may wonder...
that you might forget why we started this whole journey in the first place...
i have such conflicting emotions when it comes to what you said.. "it's the committment"
i understand why it scares you... but you entered this relationship ... you made the choices i did... you asked me to move in with you... and then you said that living together was too "marriage-like" ... i agree... but why does us living together have to fall into any category?
all i know is that i love you and miss being in your arms... i was really hurt when you left, but i guess things patch themselves up... and things between us are slowly getting back on track....
i will wait for you and stay faithful to you.... this is a promise that i KNOW i wont break... i simply dont have it in me to hurt you that way... in any way... (well i try my best not to.. im getting better @ not bein such a spaz)
absence makes the heart grow stronger.... i always knew that saying was true... so true that i wanted to avoid absence at all costs.. simply because the heart only grows stronger out of pain from not having your significant other close by.... my heart grows stronger without having to go thru this pain of missing you...
when you're by my side... within walking distance... bus distance.... in the same state.... i feel so safe... i feel confident.. i feel as though nothing, no one can harm me....
i can truly be myself without worrying about people judging me... cos ultimately, the only person's judgement that matters to me is yours.... and i know that you don't judge me in negative ways.... no matter how much i fuck up.
i've found it hard to be myself the past couple of days. i feel a lot more reserved.... i feel paranoid again... i feel that there are people talking about me... they're laughing @ me....
i know they aren't.... but for some reason, when you left... my confidence left & paranoia came back.... and this isn't me making you feel bad... it's just something i've noticed since you've gone...
i just wanna see you again.... i never want to feel this pain ever again.... i've lost you before and i cant lose you again.... i hope you're sorting things out in your head... i want to help you... but it seems as though when your head gets a bit shitty.. you push me away and run away....
i know that you gotta do what you gotta do... i respect that...
it's a huge thing for me to be able to let you go and not be so selfish as to hold you back.... for my own reasons.... cos of my insecurities and fears....
i hope that if nothing i've done has proved how much i love you... this does...
i cant wait to hear my phone ringing again.... -anonymous- i hope it's you.... take care of yourself.... please be good.... and most of all...
please come back to me in one peace baby...
love you so much...
always yours,
Miss. X
p.s - please send my love and regards to your mother & sisters in this time of hardship & need... i wish there was something i could do to console you all...
*hugs & kisses*
Friday, December 7, 2007
what i've realised... a couple of weeks ago.. (but i've been too busy with random shit to blog it)... is that when you're in a place where no one knows you or anything about you.. they have to take you for what you say you are... or the way you behave...
i think i may have mentioned this briefly.. or i may just be trippin out...
anyways..
I've always been the annoying chick.. the one with the fkt up relatives.. the one with the gangster ex boyfriends... the one who hung out with the skanks, therefore i was apparently one too... the one who hung out with bimbos... the one who hung out with the wrong people... the one who was a good girl... the one who ... i dunno.. the list fucken goes on... but my point is..
now i'm just the girl from Melbourne... the new asian chick with big boobs... the loud one... the cute one... the one with the bf that always visits cos they're so in love... the one who's always happy.. the one who seems a bit weird... but not weird enough to dislike....
everyone at work has to take me for me.... they have to take me for what i show... i didn't think it'd be such a huge thing... but i guess "reputations" really effect the way people treat & see you...
im glad that for once... EVERYONE is just taking me for face value... there's no bias... there's no pre-judgement from just words or relations..
it's such a welcomed change...
Labels: bias, change, reputations
Sunday, December 2, 2007
hugs & kisses...
early xmas presents for Mr.X
"go away.... u cant look!!"
i wrap the gadgets... i can't wrap non-square items so they look a bit dodgy...
"Mr.X!!!... they're ready!!"
Mr.X comes out of a room where music is blaring (he's missed his music)
we gather around Mr.X's mother's table..
tearing the purple paper to shreds... smiling ear to ear...
my heart flutters...
he sees it's an mp3 player.. i just hope it's good cos i dont know shit about these things haha..
"i'll wrap ur other ones now.. go away!!"
yay... there's a square one !! these dont look as bad... i think..
he unwraps the first one... protective case & travel pack
"this can only mean one thing!!!!"
his smile grows even bigger... along with his beautiful deep grey/blue/green eyes...
tears open the other box...
PSP!
he stretches his arms out for a hug as i laugh
the past 2 hours he's been exploring his new electronics
i guess he likes them lol
the pleasure of giving gets me everytime
especially when i enjoy seeing that person smile so much...
i love you
rock n roll bitches
-s2- Miss.X
Saturday, December 1, 2007
a night in Melbourne...
a few hesitations as we rolled up to Southern Cross station cos im crashing @ mum & dad's tonight...
im worried dad will crack it @ me again... do i not speak to him? do i pretend like nothing happened? am i suppose to suck up to him and be a "good" daughter? ... we'll see what happens aye...
Mr.X waits with me as my Pakenham train arrives & we say our goodbyes... "i'll see ya tomorrow baby!"
Mum picks me up from Dandy... we get to mum n dad's place.. dad's outside with a couple of mates havin ciggies & beers... everyone says hi...
Mum resumes her game of Mahjong with a bunch of annoying, old Chinese women... they talk shit (as usual) "ur so black.. u've lost weight.. u haven't even been gone that long.. why dont u speak proper Chinese?"... fuck you all cunts...
Everyone leaves... i call up my mate Terren to see if he wants to go out.. Bubble? we'll see how it goes...
i feel sick from the shitty train food... oh well it was free... i crash out on the couch next to dad who's snoring whilst holding the remote 2 his newly installed satellite which is all chinese crap.
Mum makes up the spare bed for me after a little talk... i fall asleep.. woken by mum sneaking into my room with a wad of hundreds in her hand.. "put this away and dont tell anyone.. i want you to have it cos i know you're broke".. she sneaks away and keeps cleaning the house....
I see Barry!!! she's skinny & i cant wait to see her kittens.. she only has 2 left now... she walks off and comes back with a ginger kitten dangling from her mouth squeeling... she puts the kitten down in front of me... as if to present her baby to me... so i make up a little bed for her & her baby... (cardboard box & blankets) ... we know she has another kitten somewhere.. not sure where... but i figure they're under the house... Barry wont get the grey one so mum pushes her out the door n shuts it behind her.. after 10 minutes of sooking.. she walks off, returns with a grey kitten... they're all happy in the box now.. and so fucking cute!!!!
Leaving dandy ... dad hands me another wad of cash... im quite surprised. He was nice to me all day today.. we all sat & watched tv n were a family for once... anyways... he told me it was for my birthday n stuff and told me to be good & work hard... on the way to the station mum tells me he's changed & he's such a nice guy now... he cried & apologised for the way he treated us all... i guess he cant bring himself to apologise to my sister & i face to face... but thats okay with me... i hope he stays this way... mum is happy .. finally..
anyways.. i've typed too much.. i got my nails done a couple of days ago and im still not use to having long nails yet hehe..
rock n roll bitches!!
Miss.X
