.. :: Tattoos & Teardrops ::..

twenty ten being twenty three

2010-02-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

2010...
it's well and truely started hasn't it?

I've decided that this year... i'm using the Lunar Calendar.
Year of the Tiger baby!!
Got my red thread around my wrist to protect me against bad luck... my red underwear.. hopefully this shit works.. :D

here's the low down on what's been happening lately...

Growing the fuck up that's what!! hahaha... no.. im being serious...

Mum & dad have split up... mum & i are sharing a room & bed at the moment... there's 7 other people in this house. Although this house is huge... i really miss alone time... doing nothing in particular... being able to dance around the kitchen in my knickers with my music is something i miss.

Yesterday I had to take the day off and went rental hunting... a lil 3 bedroom villa near where i grew up.. i instantly fell in love.. it was perfect and brand new. Approved today!! i really thought it was going to be an incredibly stressful situation.... but no... a 24 hour turn around time... i couldn't believe my ears when the agent called me to say "you've been approved!"

My car is back on the road... lil Powerpoint... the vehicle formerly known as Squeeks.. she no longer squeeks... (you'd hope so after over 2k worth of repairs n shit)

I've finally got the hang of my 'not so new' job... i still feel new though... just made a $10,000 week. YAY!!! I'm quite enjoying my pay cheque... although my shopping habit is getting out of control... yet again. This time is different though, honestly... i only shop for outfits when i'm going out... i can justify that... <3>

oh yeahhh i've turned not so tom-boy ish... i cant remember the last time i wore a hoodie outside of the house... i do miss my sneakers though but oh em gee... there's no need to find clean socks when you wear heels everyday... COS U DONT WEAR THEM ... that was such a huge thing when i figured that out.. it's only taken me 23 years lol

Anyways.... i'm quite sleepy atm so i'm probably not making too much sense... ranting again am i...?

oOoh must blog about my inner spiritual findings next time...
the reason i feel so shit sometimes.. is cos im around negative dickheads... i absorb that energy and amplify it... i'm too open..
so i'm learning to close myself thru meditation... i know it sounds kinda weird but it's really working for me and i feel so fresh and so rejuvinated and i fricken have energy without caffeine.. woOoOo!!!

to be continued.......

-s2- ms f0xxy

Smile like you mean it... xx

the end...

2009-10-05T04:23:00.001-07:00

goodbye Mr.X...

it's been a great journey... our craziness has complimented & driven each other beyond what we thought was possible...

you were my knight in shining armour... and i was your princess who you let your guard down for...
you've said that i know you better than anyone else... why does it feel that you're still a stranger?
i feel sorry for those who think they know you better than anyone.... they really have no clue, do they?

it's strange how things turned out... one day we were on cloud 9... planning to live abroad... somewhere exotic, different, new... i couldn't imagine life without you...

now...

i cant imagine my life with you...

you hurt me deeply for a long time... yet no one saw this but me...
you demanded i change... not for the better... but just so you could see the power you had over me in play...
you threw me around like a ragdoll.... you manipulated my behaviour & emotions to suit you...
you blamed me when you knew it was your fault...
you made me feel like i was crazy... when in reality, it was you who couldn't get your shit in order...

your family & friends saw me as a head fuck... i hurt you & changed you... i controlled you & didnt give you the freedom you wanted... i was relentless...
i caused a distance in your family somehow....?

i wasn't... i let u do what you wanted... i encouraged you to spend more time with your family & friends... yet you didnt...
i dealt with the abused hurled at me from your family... because i love you...
they crushed me... everytime i was around them... i wanted to die.
it would've been a lot easier than trying to impress them.
i had nothing against them... yet everything i said.. everything i was... was held against me.
i dont understand why i wasn't good enough...

i helped you more than anyone has in your world... not financially... on a completely different level...
i gave you unconditional love...
yet you spat it back in my face...
you chased another girl... i broke my first bone because you were unfaithful to me...
yet you claim that you dont remember it happening... i had proof & you knew it... denial.
you promised me you'd do anything in your power to win me back... for me to trust you again...
yet conveniently, when my broken bone healed... your promise disappeared...
you forgot that you were trying to prove yourself trustworthy to me...

instead of you loving me more... you grew less & less patient with me... you got angry with me and tried to hurry the healing process...
somehow you took my hurt and turned it into making me feel like i owed you something...
i had to change myself to make you happier...
you told me when to do what...
how to behave...

you may have not cared who or where or when i went out...
you gave me freedom in that way... but i was your prisoner... you manipulated me as a person... all because i trusted you...

i found the truth behind your innocent eyes... they're so deceiving.

it's all about the power to you...
and i gave it to you... i let you do what you wanted...
i changed to make you happier... i let you tame me...

never will you have that part of me again...
you want us to be friends... i do too...
on one condition....
only if you dont obsess over having power over the friendship...
you will never have that over me again...
i wont let you.

you will never see me the way i was with you..
i was too nice.. too generous.. i gave you my fucking heart.

Ms.X is gone... forever

thank you for the memories.. the strength to live...

im not able to be me... without being criticised & changed.... manipulated.

it really is.... the end.

i forgot about my blog!

2008-03-15T03:14:00.000-07:00

wooooh...
it's been quite a while since my last entry on this...
a lil update cos the past couple of months have been quite blurred for some reason...
and no... it's actually not drug induced!
i'm working back @ salesforce now... this time in St. Kilda... i'm a salesperson now... which is good cos it's awesome money, but @ the same time it does stress me out a fair bit when i'm not having a good day with my sales.

Mr.X is now running his own kitchen in a cafe in ritzy snooty brighton & loving it!
i'm so proud of him... he was there for a week & the owner basically handed all the kitchen duties & responsibilities over to him to delegate... yay baby! he's been trying out new recipes & experimenting with heaps of stuff, which is what he wanted.. so yeah... things are going great...
everything is moving a lot slower than we'd hoped.... but isn't that always the case (especially with Mr.X & i) hahaha...

At the moment, we're slowly saving up money to get a house a little further out from where we were before moving to Sydney... we both want a yard & a little house with a couple of rooms... i guess the whole trip thing matured the both of us & we want different things compared to what we wanted last year sometime...

im looking forward to being able to sleep in his arms again... getting a puppy... going away for weekends.. having lazy sundays & just being us in privacy... i miss us...

i've realised that life isn't all about having fun & getting fucked up... pretending you were okay, when things were crumbling...
Mr.X & i have gone through a lot together in the past couple of months. Within the relationship, as well as in our separate lives... it's not for me to say what has happened in Mr.X's life... but he's dealt with it better than i would've & he's had his fair share of downs lately...

As for myself... my mum's health is deteriorating... she's got cirrhosis of the liver somehow... or that's what i've made of the mumb0-jumbo chinese medical terminology mum spat for me... she passed out one day & had to get taken to hospital... people don't just fucken faint ! stupid fucking doctors she goes to... dont know fucken jack shit...
dad's still not drinking alcohol.. it's been a while, he's changed quite a bit.. he actually picks me up from the station n stuff & talks to me... it's been a long long long time since we've gotten a long... probably 7 years or so... it's good having dad back!...

it's weird that when you're angry @ someone... you make yourself forget the good times you use to have together.... was it anger.... or that i was just young? i dont know... but going through childhood photos brought back good memories...

my mental health has been up n down for a while now... since being back i guess... it was pretty hard getting back into the whole 'work' thing... i've been keeping my 'downs' pretty tame... i've got some sort of control... but it still doesn't feel nice to feel low.... but yeh, i've finally adapted and i'm actually enjoying doing something everyday.. at least it keeps my mind off shit hehe...

ehh... so... i fell down the stairs @ the movies a few weeks ago... it was fucked cos we left the movie early... and i slipped.. ankled rolled & surfed a few of the stairs... i stood up & absolutely pissed myself.... so did Mr.X (after making sure i was okay though) ... he still hasn't let me live it down yet hahhaa

last night we had a work function @ strike bowling ... obviously i had 4 beers & a tequila shottie... oh and something like a lemon, lime & vodka.. and i was running around the place hi-5ing everyone and doing all sorts of yelling n screaming.. work mate rolled me off the couch a few times too... so my ass is fucken killing me!

i miss my baby... hopefully we'll move in together again soon enough... i just miss living our own lives... it sux intruding on others' lives just so we can survive....

i just wanna yell a shout out to my family & friends (including Mr.X's family - cos you're my family too :D ) ...i just want to thank you for all the support you've given both of us... i know we've made massive mistakes, but i assure you... we've learned a lot in the past few months.... on that note... i cant promise we wont fuck up again... but definitely will try... Thank you... from the bottom of my heart.... we'd be in a pretty shitty situation if it weren't for you all... we'll be out of your hair soon enough and definitely will show our appreciation...xoxo

that's enough for one night...
much love to all...
xx - Miss.X - xx

blah

2008-01-13T03:57:00.000-08:00

so now... we're back in melbourne for good....
we just figured... what's the fucking point of saving up in sydney... to pretty much have nothing.. only to move back to melbourne where home really is....
as much as i loved sydney... im a melbournian @ heart.

i cant do a transfer from work cos i haven't been there long enough... but my team leader said to mention i worked @ salesforce in sydney.... team development should have me on file or something... i didnt really hear all of it... but yeah something along those lines... i already miss work but im loving being home more so it cancels it out :P

so... got booked doing 138kph towards melbourne... unregistered car.. but luckily the cop didn't check... it sucks being broke... i have a tan line across my chest from the seatbelt !! >_< !!! and my driving arm is back too.. lol.. but yeah....

i drove from 10am - 9pm..... WOO HOO!!!! with lil breaks in between... but both of us could tell the drive was getting to me cos i was getting shitty periodically through the end parts of the drive... blah.... the car's fucked...

anyways... kinda scared about the next few weeks/months cos we gotta pretty much start from scratch again... but yeah i miss having our lil 'thang' goin on again...

newaiz... pipe's comin my way so i'll end it here.. xoxo

rock n roll
-s2- Miss.X

p.s - i just found out i have bi-polar.... all this time i just thought it was depression... lol i guess i'll listen a bit more carefully when i'm in the doc's office from now on lol....

we're the girls of 2007!!

2007-12-31T01:07:00.000-08:00

sex, drugs, rock & roll..

speed... weed & birth control..

shake ur ass, wear a thong.. time 2 party all night long...

take a shot, drink a lot.. have a toke...

ride a guy you think is hot...

life is great..

sex is heaven..

happy new year & goodbye to 2007!!!

My true state

2007-12-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

lonely... bored... empty... lost...

wake up to an empty bed... no words are spoken in the house anymore... nor hugs, nor kisses exchanged...

work mates aren't necessarily "friends"... i don't have anything against any of them... but working with people and talking to them.. doesn't equal friendship....

i go home alone... have a crappy dinner... or i wont eat anything at all...
i don't want to eat.... i don't want to sleep... i pop a mogadon... no temazepam's left.... so i'm drowsy as i fall out of bed... i don't care what i wear... i don't want to put make up on... i haven't done my hair for 4 days now... wash... towel dry... tie up.... i look like an utter fucking wreck...
my clothes don't match... my shoes don't either... i don't care what i look like anymore... who's there to impress?

i don't rush home after work anymore... i hold out on going home as much as i can... i drag out the time @ the pub after work... i hang out with randoms... i don't want to go back to that empty house... full of painful memories of you.... of us...

i know we're still together... but being 900 odd kms away from you makes things so much harder.... it was hard enough trying to figure out what you were thinking & feelings when i could ask you... when i could see you & talk to you.... it's impossible now... now i rely on making sure i have my phone on me at all times... answering straight away when it's anonymous, even if i'm on the phone with a customer during work....

my mind is filled with doubt... do you still love me as you say you do? will you really come back to me?

there's not been many times where i've had so many fucking emotions within me all at once... all so strong... i'm laughing alone one second... bawling my eyes out, curled in a ball in the corner of the room the next... i'm driving myself to insanity... i'm un-doing all your hard work....

it hasn't even been a week yet... i'm running out of things to do to occupy my time... it scares me to think this could last for months... maybe forever? i'm so lost within ..... i dont even know anymore.... i dont know who i am without you.... i dont know who you are anymore because you pushed the paranoia out of my head, only to prove me right.... i dont know why this hurts so much... i dont understand how missing someone turns into physical pain... i dont know how to make this shit go away without getting drunk or high... i'm craving drugs crazily... i want to be numb.... i dont even like drinking... yet i find myself going to the bottle every night... it's strangely comforting.

i'm falling apart at the seams...

i dont know what to say to you to make you feel better... i just want to hold you... touch means so much more in these times than words do...

a few days before you left... at every chance i could... i wanted to touch you... to hug you.. to kiss you... i didnt understand where the urge came from.... but i guess i'm glad it did come...
maybe on a subconscious level... i knew u were leaving... i dunno.. maybe i'm tripping out... i can't explain it...

i gotta keep this act on... hopefully if it plays out long enough.. i will be happy.. instead of just faking it..

i'll end this here...

i'm sorry for everything...

i'm sorry that im being so selfish... i know why you are where you are... and i accept it...

love surprises me all the time... and it's always a feeling of desperation

-s2 me-

My Dearest Mr.X...

2007-12-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

Mr.X
Missing you lots...
i'm enjoying this alone time... although i hope it doesn't last too fricken long cos yeah...
i need you...
i know that you're finding it hard being apart, as i am too...
but know that i hold your promise close to my heart and my promise to you i'll always keep...
i dont know what it is... i do trust you... but at the same time my heart's telling me to be cautious.
maybe it's from whatever's happened in the past... and babe, i have forgiven you for everything, it's hard to forget though...
and no... this isn't me throwing everything you've told me back into your face.. and im holding nothing against you.
i'm just scared as fuck that i'll lose you again.... that your heart may wonder...
that you might forget why we started this whole journey in the first place...

i have such conflicting emotions when it comes to what you said.. "it's the committment"
i understand why it scares you... but you entered this relationship ... you made the choices i did... you asked me to move in with you... and then you said that living together was too "marriage-like" ... i agree... but why does us living together have to fall into any category?

all i know is that i love you and miss being in your arms... i was really hurt when you left, but i guess things patch themselves up... and things between us are slowly getting back on track....

i will wait for you and stay faithful to you.... this is a promise that i KNOW i wont break... i simply dont have it in me to hurt you that way... in any way... (well i try my best not to.. im getting better @ not bein such a spaz)

absence makes the heart grow stronger.... i always knew that saying was true... so true that i wanted to avoid absence at all costs.. simply because the heart only grows stronger out of pain from not having your significant other close by.... my heart grows stronger without having to go thru this pain of missing you...

when you're by my side... within walking distance... bus distance.... in the same state.... i feel so safe... i feel confident.. i feel as though nothing, no one can harm me....
i can truly be myself without worrying about people judging me... cos ultimately, the only person's judgement that matters to me is yours.... and i know that you don't judge me in negative ways.... no matter how much i fuck up.

i've found it hard to be myself the past couple of days. i feel a lot more reserved.... i feel paranoid again... i feel that there are people talking about me... they're laughing @ me....
i know they aren't.... but for some reason, when you left... my confidence left & paranoia came back.... and this isn't me making you feel bad... it's just something i've noticed since you've gone...

i just wanna see you again.... i never want to feel this pain ever again.... i've lost you before and i cant lose you again.... i hope you're sorting things out in your head... i want to help you... but it seems as though when your head gets a bit shitty.. you push me away and run away....

i know that you gotta do what you gotta do... i respect that...
it's a huge thing for me to be able to let you go and not be so selfish as to hold you back.... for my own reasons.... cos of my insecurities and fears....
i hope that if nothing i've done has proved how much i love you... this does...

i cant wait to hear my phone ringing again.... -anonymous- i hope it's you.... take care of yourself.... please be good.... and most of all...
please come back to me in one peace baby...

love you so much...

always yours,
Miss. X

p.s - please send my love and regards to your mother & sisters in this time of hardship & need... i wish there was something i could do to console you all...
*hugs & kisses*

non judgement

2007-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

what i've realised... a couple of weeks ago.. (but i've been too busy with random shit to blog it)... is that when you're in a place where no one knows you or anything about you.. they have to take you for what you say you are... or the way you behave...

i think i may have mentioned this briefly.. or i may just be trippin out...
anyways..

I've always been the annoying chick.. the one with the fkt up relatives.. the one with the gangster ex boyfriends... the one who hung out with the skanks, therefore i was apparently one too... the one who hung out with bimbos... the one who hung out with the wrong people... the one who was a good girl... the one who ... i dunno.. the list fucken goes on... but my point is..

now i'm just the girl from Melbourne... the new asian chick with big boobs... the loud one... the cute one... the one with the bf that always visits cos they're so in love... the one who's always happy.. the one who seems a bit weird... but not weird enough to dislike....

everyone at work has to take me for me.... they have to take me for what i show... i didn't think it'd be such a huge thing... but i guess "reputations" really effect the way people treat & see you...

im glad that for once... EVERYONE is just taking me for face value... there's no bias... there's no pre-judgement from just words or relations..

it's such a welcomed change...

Xmas comes early for Mr.X

2007-12-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

hugs & kisses...
early xmas presents for Mr.X
"go away.... u cant look!!"
i wrap the gadgets... i can't wrap non-square items so they look a bit dodgy...
"Mr.X!!!... they're ready!!"
Mr.X comes out of a room where music is blaring (he's missed his music)
we gather around Mr.X's mother's table..
tearing the purple paper to shreds... smiling ear to ear...
my heart flutters...
he sees it's an mp3 player.. i just hope it's good cos i dont know shit about these things haha..
"i'll wrap ur other ones now.. go away!!"
yay... there's a square one !! these dont look as bad... i think..
he unwraps the first one... protective case & travel pack
"this can only mean one thing!!!!"
his smile grows even bigger... along with his beautiful deep grey/blue/green eyes...
tears open the other box...
PSP!
he stretches his arms out for a hug as i laugh

the past 2 hours he's been exploring his new electronics
i guess he likes them lol

the pleasure of giving gets me everytime
especially when i enjoy seeing that person smile so much...

i love you

rock n roll bitches
-s2- Miss.X

im home... temporarily

2007-12-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

a night in Melbourne...
a few hesitations as we rolled up to Southern Cross station cos im crashing @ mum & dad's tonight...
im worried dad will crack it @ me again... do i not speak to him? do i pretend like nothing happened? am i suppose to suck up to him and be a "good" daughter? ... we'll see what happens aye...

Mr.X waits with me as my Pakenham train arrives & we say our goodbyes... "i'll see ya tomorrow baby!"
Mum picks me up from Dandy... we get to mum n dad's place.. dad's outside with a couple of mates havin ciggies & beers... everyone says hi...

Mum resumes her game of Mahjong with a bunch of annoying, old Chinese women... they talk shit (as usual) "ur so black.. u've lost weight.. u haven't even been gone that long.. why dont u speak proper Chinese?"... fuck you all cunts...

Everyone leaves... i call up my mate Terren to see if he wants to go out.. Bubble? we'll see how it goes...

i feel sick from the shitty train food... oh well it was free... i crash out on the couch next to dad who's snoring whilst holding the remote 2 his newly installed satellite which is all chinese crap.

Mum makes up the spare bed for me after a little talk... i fall asleep.. woken by mum sneaking into my room with a wad of hundreds in her hand.. "put this away and dont tell anyone.. i want you to have it cos i know you're broke".. she sneaks away and keeps cleaning the house....

I see Barry!!! she's skinny & i cant wait to see her kittens.. she only has 2 left now... she walks off and comes back with a ginger kitten dangling from her mouth squeeling... she puts the kitten down in front of me... as if to present her baby to me... so i make up a little bed for her & her baby... (cardboard box & blankets) ... we know she has another kitten somewhere.. not sure where... but i figure they're under the house... Barry wont get the grey one so mum pushes her out the door n shuts it behind her.. after 10 minutes of sooking.. she walks off, returns with a grey kitten... they're all happy in the box now.. and so fucking cute!!!!

Leaving dandy ... dad hands me another wad of cash... im quite surprised. He was nice to me all day today.. we all sat & watched tv n were a family for once... anyways... he told me it was for my birthday n stuff and told me to be good & work hard... on the way to the station mum tells me he's changed & he's such a nice guy now... he cried & apologised for the way he treated us all... i guess he cant bring himself to apologise to my sister & i face to face... but thats okay with me... i hope he stays this way... mum is happy .. finally..

anyways.. i've typed too much.. i got my nails done a couple of days ago and im still not use to having long nails yet hehe..

rock n roll bitches!!
Miss.X

Dear: Mr.X's Family.. & life now

2007-11-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

well..... things are great again.. after a day or 2 of shitness...
the place in bondi went haywire cos the stupid bitch that was leasing it out is a tripped out acid head hippy bitch.. she wouldn't let anyone speak 2 her to try and get our money back.. $500 is a lot of money when you're broke as fuck!!

the bitch agreed that we'd give her $500 and she'd let us stay in the room & give the $1300 later on with the rent later on as we got settled.. she was fine with it.. so we hurried up & gave her $500... then she fucken said... "you can move in.. end of the week".. then it became "you can move in start of next week"... then "ohhh.. i gotta check with my friend if it's okay because he pays for this house too".... after taking our money.. she failed to fucking mention that the decision wasn't hers to make!!! stupid fucking bitch..

i wish u get skin cancer. u leather faced mole!!

how can she rip people off like that? she knew we were new to sydney & struggling.. yet she had no fucking problem taking money off us... stupid bitch!!!!!

i hate her!!... fucken FRANCIS... yes.. beware of a leather faced, bleach blonde, hairy armpitted hippy tripper that smells like old dog!!! she'll take your money and try to pull a runner!!!..

anyways.. thanks to Mr.X & his mother.. they spoke to the mole and we're getting our money back on monday...

Mr.X originally planned to be nice & apologise just to shut her up and be nice.. ( i couldn't do it cos i was so angry )... but it didnt work.... so life-saving Mr.X's mother stepped in and showed the hippy hag a thing or 2 about Melbournians.. lol in ur face hippy!!!

neway.... we've now landed a place in Botany.. newly renovated.. our own bedroom.. no screaming kids... close to work.. TV!!!!! we're both really happy.....

That's all for now.... our last home cooked chinese/russian meal for a very long time....

xoxo
with love & hate
Miss.X

-P.S -
Thanks Mr.X's mother for all the help... i appreciate it more than you could imagine...
and also.. just for the record, i'm sorry for not being able to give you the information you wanted when your son left... i desperately wanted to.. but i had to respect his wishes...

I hope you & your daughter are both okay.. and im sorry for any problems caused... i love you guys like family... you're the closest to the real thing i've had (as you know.. mine's a bit non-family) .... Mr.X & i are both really happy.. he's back to himself.. the Mr.X i fell in love with.. he's happy.. happy on the inside & i can tell... and also.. dunno if u guys care.. but i haven't had a low since that time i pissed u guys off by knocking on your door @ 5am... i also apologise for that... my head wasn't right .... it was all for the right reasons.. but my head made all the wrong decisions..

Miss.B - i meant everything i said to you that night we chilled in the backyard.... you're one special chick & im sorry to you for the shit that happened.. i swear i did the best i could for your brother's sanity. i heard you're doing well... im happy for ya!!

i hope u both forgive me.. i made stupid mistakes

anyways... enough of that stuff.. it's gettin me a bit poo-ey... but anyways.. hope u guys can come up and visit sometime!!

xoxo!!!

kitties & beer

2007-11-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

umm... got wrecked last night @ a work mates house.. thanks Chris-Tina.. u rock bitch!

weed + beer after a few weeks of non-voluntary detox is great!!!!! we were fucken wrecked.. :) happy days... i drew on Chris' mirror and drew some wankery shit....

work's great... i get to watch movies & we have beer o'clock on friday.. basically our boss tells us to run across to the pub on our break to get ourselves beer lol... it was fun!!!

ooh and an update on mum... she went back to dad again... she doesn't like being alone.. fair enough but STOP DRAGGING ME INTO IT!!

Our cat Barry had 6 kittens... after 2 months of her disappearing... she walked up 2 the house to mum... got a bath... a good feed.. :).. then gave birth that night...

she's only got 5 kittens left cos she killed one by squishing it..... i guess shit happens..

life's still great ...

peep & poop time.. :)

much love & hate

-Miss.X-

update from work

2007-11-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

here i am.. sitting @ my new friend's laptop.. i've made a few new friends but i'm working so much. working here is kinda like being back in high school.. just without as many dicks n whores. ^^

i haven't spoken to mum at all since the last post.. and i miss her heaps... wonder how she's doing... and on a totally unrelated subject... apparently our cat had kittens!!!! woo hoo.. fiesty kitty.. what a slut though... free pun for the whole neighbourhood cat community.. newaiz... working 2 jobs now... 7 days a week.. im not that tired.. but im sure it'll catch up with me....

Mr.X is working 5 days a week and currently looking for another 2nd job cos the other one was shit and the people were utter fucking cunts... FUCK YAZ!!!

we're moving into our place in Bondi on Monday!!! yay..i cant wait.. our car's shitting itself more & more everyday... and today some fucken dick face'd cunt side swiped me ... apparently i overtook him... er.. im sure if i overtook him the accident wouldn't have occured.. DICKHEADS.. STAY IN YOUR OWN FUCKING LANE!!
but i couldn't do shit cos the car's unregistered at the moment and it wouldn't really be worth the hassle.... im thinking of the little scratches n shit as character building lol.. ^^ why the fuck not mate...?!?!

i haven't had a low for so long... the last one i remember was the one i had a couple nights before we left for sydney.. i haven't cut or substance abused for ages... (having a spliff after work aint abuse!!)
i can officially say my depression is under control... god bless you Lexapro...

i thought i'd miss Melbourne a lot more than i do...i feel so refreshed in sydney... i guess i was burning the candle @ both ends back home...
Since being in Sydney... the only drug i've touched is weed... but then again.. it's eau naturale!

newaiz.. i gotta get my ass back into action n do some work...

life's really going well....

with much love & hate...

Miss.X

*mwOarz*

Summertime in Bondi

2007-11-17T00:19:00.000-08:00

so currently i'm still working @ the shoe shop... things are great... still !! :D
i'm doing a lot of multiple sells which is impressing my managers... Mr.X had a trial at some place that sounds like 'ball sacks'.. not sure if he's landed it yet though...
i had an interview the other day for an office telemarketing/data entry job which has a great young fun environment... i received a call yesterday and i was successful.. i start on monday.. hours are 12-8pm which is great cos i get a sleep in!! yay... i love my sleep...

mum's still a run away and my sister's helped get her into some government help thing where they give her a place and she doesnt have to pay a cent for food or anything... i'm so proud of her for being so strong to leave dad... finally! i can say it was worth the wait... but if she does give into his pity calls... i guess i wont be disappointed cos it's always in the back of my mind...

She cant have any contact with anyone she knows for 6 weeks according to this program due to her safety.... so dad doesnt find out where she is.... Mr.X says it's like 'witness protection' hehe.. it's pretty cool... mum called me yesterday arvo while i was @ work and let me know she couldnt call me or i couldnt call her for 6 weeks... which is kinda hard but if it's in the interest of her safety... then i'm okay with it... she did go to china for 4 months with short phone calls every few weeks. So i guess it'll be easier... i feel quite anxious about this whole thing for some reason... but if i have any problems or want to speak to mum.. i have to go through my sister.. which is better than NO contact what so ever...
dad keeps calling the place we're living at ... (mum's friend's house) and asking about me & Mr.X .... it's fkn stupid cos i know he doesnt give a flying fuck... he's doing it just so he comes across as a "caring" father.. which is a total crock...

anyways... these kids are shitting both of us crazily.... but the good news is... we finally got onto some weed!!! woohoo... my friend in melb hooked us up with some guy in sydney who sells... he looks like a goodie goodie... and i guess he doesnt have much contact with females.... well that's what we think cos he gave us about 4gs for free lol.... no complaints from us!!

we're landed a place in Bondi... right by the beach.. it's beautiful... smells like old dog & is quite small... but it's share accomodation and we'd pretty much do anything to get out of this place we're @ now with screaming kids & weird looks.... im sick of hiding while having ciggies anyways!!

The place we got... we should be moving in within a week or so... the lady is obviously an ex-hippy.. she seems quite loaded... she use to breed golden retreivers.. she usually has 6 @ the house at any given time... no wonder the place smells like old dog.. lol.... but we both love animals so yeah...

summertime down in Bondi!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!

anyways... cheers big ears... im gettin into Tooheys!!...

with much love & freedom.... and not much hate...
Miss.X

A letter to a nobody

2007-11-12T00:46:00.000-08:00

To: Nobody

I'm fed up with the way your thoughtless actions and words effect my life and have been for nearly 21 years. You claim to be the foundation of our family.... you sure are... but only when it comes to us copping a fist to the head or a kick to the ribs.... among so many other obscure objects that happened to be lying in ur path of destruction that you've beaten us with.

You are the core to my depressive state.... i don't need to pay someone ridiculous amounts of money per hour to tell me that.... you are the reason why you have an estranged wife.... you are the sole person who has made my sister the bipolar bitch she so often snaps into being...

Mum, my sister & i have suffered enough emotional, mental and physical abuse dealt by your cowardly ways... You drove my sister to insanity & away from this ridiculous thing you call a "family." Mum has run away.... yet again. This time she's lied... you think she's gone interstate.... she's hiding cos she's scared of you! You kicked me out on my birthday... a long awaited relief i must say...

Your actions have spoken as clearly as your words... and have for a very long time...

Some say that men have difficulty in showing emotion... love....

But going onto 21 years and not seeing it at all has taken the absolute shits out of any fucking joke. All i wanted was a conversation longer than 5 seconds, comprising of more than you telling me what a failure & disappointment i've been.

I've given up all hope in you... No longer will i sit there awaiting another punch.

I no longer feel hate... nor love for you... i feel nothing... i'm not even angry anymore...

You don't deserve any part of me and now i've finally taken a stand.... you can't control me anymore... i wont let you fuck my head up any longer than you already have.... you've done enough damage!!

"if you haven't got anything nice to say... dont say anything at all..."

I've tried to help you so many times... i've begged mum to go back home to you after you've beaten her... because i felt sorry for you... i did actually feel something for you other than hate... at one time....

I refuse to lie there in bed crying myself to sleep... trying to figure out why you are the way you are... i've realised i will never know the answer... i've always wanted you to seek help... but i know now that you're beyond it....

This is the final goodbye dad...

Enjoy the alcohol.... i hope it was worth losing your friends, wife & children over.

I hope you feel pain... vulnerability... lonelilness... fear... despondency... emptiness... worthless... ugliness... weakness... and most of all... i hope you feel failure because you have in more ways than one...

i've hurt enough at the wrath of your fists & words

Goodbye

From the one you use to know as your daughter...

R.I.P Ms S

2007-11-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest Ms S...

You promised you'd keep the bubble making factory going when i left you...

I guess some promises just cant be kept...

You fought until now... with the fucking disease eating away at every part of you...

At least you saw it to your 50th birthday...

We didn't think you'd make it till Christmas this year... i'm hoping it wasn't a jinx...

Of all the girls, you never gave me a hard time about anything...

You were always interested in me as a person... as i were you...

Seems as though you've lived a great life... however cut short...

You were such a great person in every aspect... thank you for making work interesting...

They said we had to vitamise your food... but you hated the shit & wouldnt eat mashed up old people's food...

So.... i fed you dim sims :P~

I dont understand how you could've been dehydrated eventhough u were a on a f.b.c ....

obviously someone wasn't doing their job... and it ultimately cost you your life...

in hospital they said to put a feeding tube in... but you kept your dignity right up till the end and refused to be fed through a tube...

i know the person you are... you would've hated being fed thru a stupid tube...

Thank you for screaming out "you fucking bitch" to that mean lady who wouldnt let us pass on the walkway while we were going out for coffee...

Thank you for turning to me one morning while i was giving you breakfast and saying

"i trust you"

Thank you for asking me what Mr.X and i did last night... everytime i was showering you... eventhough everytime my answer was.. "nothing... we're too boring & broke"...

you just replied with a warm smile

Thank you for not judging me when i had problems & broke up with my ex...

Thank you for being brutally honest... for the smiles...

for the opportunity to have met such an amazing woman...

Although, sometimes you couldn't remember my name... i was never upset with you because you knew who i was... just not the name...

i knew it was the disease... not you

i always wondered...

why you thought all Italians were good in the sack...

(eventhough you apparently were never with any... lol bullshit mate)

what your fascination with grabbing everyone's arse was...

how u kept smiling & laughing.... in that depressive environment

I miss you Sal Bell... Shmelly... Bubble Making Factory... Stoner... hehe

but i know you're free now & that you hated MS

R.I.P beautiful

you'll forever be in my heart & remembered

with much love & heartache

Miss X

brothel job...?

2007-11-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

our car's dying... so we're slowly saving up to get that fixed...

everything's great... Mr.X & i are really happy...

last night i got my first foot & leg massage.. hehe it was awesome.. quite strange it didnt tickle!

im currently applying for a Receptionist job @ a brothel... something different i guess... apparently the money's good.. and NO i'm not going to work as one of the girls either...

Mr.X has told me to be careful.. but i havent even gotten onto the manager yet...

i hope i get the job.. it's only 4 nights a week and at this stage..

money's money

anyways... this net cafe is really muggy and the kid who looks about 7 across from me... keeps swearing @ whatever game he's playing .. it's quite disturbing..

with love & hate

Miss.X

2007-11-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

ooooh... well work has been great... its been 2 months since i last had a job and it's been such a great break.. but it's time to get back into the whole life bullshit habit stuff.. thing....

work is fucken tiring but i'll get use to it after a while.
the chick i work with keeps pinching sales off me... i'd bring out shoes for the customer n help with sizes n whatever... and when they decide to buy... the bitch brings up the sale and just sits @ the register.. lucky we're not getting any commission anyway or i'd have quit the 2nd shift... stupid mole...

she keeps trying to tell me how to sell and use the register... which is stupid because she's working in a family run business with no formal retail training what so ever .. and most of the jobs i've worked at have involved selling/upselling & register work.... IM NOT STUPID !!

but besides that... work is great... no air conditioning in the store though.. which sux.... but nothing's better than a sweaty day @ work & coming home to a nice cool shower...

god damn.. we're staying with family friends & they have 2 young kids which are SOOOO cute.. but fuck me dead.. they're sooooo naughty and are starting to do my head in...
i can tell ricki's had enough of them because yesterday when i went to work (6 hour shift) ricki tagged along and said he'd rather sit in the car for 6 hours than stay with the kids another day LOL..

we've both decided we're never going to have kids...
i wanna get my tubes tied.. just in case but it's a bit drastic... jeebus.. and to think i wanted kids by 21.. fuck!! lol...

other than that.... @ night when we sit outside watchin sunset with a ciggie & chattin.... at any given moment there's about 3 bats above-head and it's awesome!! bats are too cool!!
The weather's quite humid.. which use to drive me insane... for the first few days it did but im slowly getting use to the muggy weather...

the days are hot & humid... then followed by a clean crisp cold air in the night.. i'm loving it!
there's storms quite often here which Mr.X and i both love... the rain pours overnight sometimes... it's so nice..

im not really missing Melbourne too much... although i do miss my family & some friends... not many cos i fucked a lot of them off before coming because i realised they're shit.. :)

that's all for now... ooh
im slowly compiling a scrapbook of our trip.. should be good!!

with love & hate
Miss.X

oooh . p.s... im learnin how to aussie hip hop rap stuff lol

S2'n
- The Funkoars - The Greatest Hit -
LADIES!!!.. is that a bun in the oven.
want some lovin'.... better suck that gut in....
wipe your mouth off
wipe your blouse off..
Sound off..
HOWWWWWWWWW

i love a dumb chick when the smartest thing comin out her mouth's my DICKKKk
....
...PELICAN!!!!...
..bought a 2nd hand g-string & bee sting tits...
... if ur livin the dream.. i wanna hear you scream... i dont pay full price for busfare!!!....

new work

2007-11-02T02:51:00.001-07:00

so....

now we're staying @ a family friend's place in some suburb in sydney and it's great.. they've got 2 little boys and they're adorable as fuck.!

i had my first day @ work today... some urban wear / sports wear / shoe store... apparently the owners have 3 stores in the same shopping centre and i'll be moved from store to store as they need staff.

they pay's pretty good.. better than most retail jobs & more than my previous job too... expensive shoes... working right by the beach.. nice work mates... life's pretty good..

we're slowly gettin back up onto our feet and im glad my family friend's are nice enough to take us in like their own kids. Getting home cooked meals every night is something i've missed heaps too!!

being outta work for 2 months has taken its toll on me... i did a 4 hour shift and i forgot how tiring retail was & how hard it was on your feet... oh well a job's a job aye...

the pork rolls round here are awesome!!!! lots of strange people around here though... some guy walked past me today and made weird sex faces @ me and i nearly dropped my guts on the spot!..

Mr.X is looking for work at the moiment and has a trial on tuesday @ some cafe... should be good... so we've decided to stay here for a while until sydney becomes too small for us... newaiz.. gotta look for better directions to work so i'll leave it @ that...

with love & hate

Miss.X

p.s i dont really miss melb that muh funnily enough....

(my *see* stopped working ... os we're in a shitty fuken net afe.... -_-)

thieves... lol

2007-10-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

so... the past couple of days have been pretty hard...

we were staying @ my mate's house and shit went haywire.... after a night of shitloads of drinks & trying Ammol for the first time.... curiosity is too hard to fight haha..

Ginger & Persia (our hosts) were getting ready with their friend (who decided she needed to stay with them last minute... thus leaving us pretty much fucked with no bed...)

we thought we'd be there till thursday... but anyways, as the drinks flowed & i was finding it harder & harder to stand upright... the cops rocked up @ midnight and told us off and threatened arrest... sydney piggies are fucked...

Anyways, Ginger & Persia asked everyone to come into the loungeroom for a "talk"... they didnt look too happy & i had no idea what it was about.... apparently someone had pinched $100 from some canister & Ginger's wallet....

Now, looky here... i would love to be able to steal shit cos god knows, we need all the help we can get (or steal lol) but i dont have the ability to conceal my snoopings or the capabilities to ignore my guilt... accusations were flying around and the stupid bitch that has been Ginger's friend for far too long & they've had way too much sex to have any sort of "normal" friendship.... (on that note... they think incest is quite a normal thing... and EVERYONE goes through it... Mr.X & myself had our jaws on the floor.. cos... WHAT THE FUCK??!!!)

anyway, the stupid bitch started saying "i think u guys have overstayed your welcome" ... er excuse me... we've been nothing but respectful, grateful & polite to both of our hosts.

Ginger & i both ended up crying... him because he's a queen & me because i was way to intoxicated to know what was going on.... i didnt take the money... and i just knew he was upset... so i got upset.... alcohol makes me emotional hahaha...

that was before Mr.X & i were alone having a ciggarette & he pulled out what looked like a huge wad of cash... i just laughed and didnt realise what was going on.... or did i..??!?!

so.... Mr.X was packing up the car & i was trying desperately to sober enough to drive.... we left with sobby goodbyes & i wanted to smash the stupid incest bitch for talking so much shit...

they made me drive after practically pouring alcohol down my throat & getting me to sniff Ammol.... (god the shit's awesome).... so Mr.X & i pulled up in the car and i was so drunk i passed out pretty much straight away... the rest is a blur but i was awoken because some dickhead was walking around our car on the phone looking suss..... we drove around this shitty part of town to find a motel.... checked in & passed the fuck out...

we're struggling for cash.... with our last $40 to last us till Mr.X gets paid from his new job with our ex-hosts. hopefully we can come up with some cash before then for food... sleeping in the car is fucken painful... we need some weed to relax...

hopefully, shit starts looking up soon... if not.... we're robbin cunts!!!

scared & relieved

2007-10-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

well the past couple of days have been a rollercoaster & a half...

Mittagong

we pull in after a few hours of driving... very fkn wet weather, the car sliding around the road ... scared shitless, trying to stay awake...

walking up to the cafe... a woman in her late 40's is pointing her finger.... with bright pink manicured nails @ some random skank hoe sitting outside her cafe... swearing.

a swarm of teens are surrounding them.... a few with young kids... they all look about 16.

Mr.X grabs 2 V's & 2 redbulls.... as we down our drinks and head toward the car... 2 older guys stumble out of the local pub and are yelling & swearing... i couldnt help but laugh!

within 5 minutes of being in this so called Mittagong.... a old school looking quiet little town... 2 near punch-ons .. hahaha... as Mr.X and i were skulling our drinks to get caffeine hits we look to each other & start laughing....

"this is the kind of place kids get kidnapped n shit" ... i couldn't have said it better Mr.X . NICE!!

we jumped into the car & headed to Sydney.... hotels are all full... backpackers in the city have no parking and there's no fucking way in hell we can afford $40 a night for parking....

we've been driving since 11am and it's now 9.30pm.... after both near losing it... getting near panic attacks... we decide to pull up in some place called "Penrith"... i saw three 12 year olds (apparently called LADS) i was scared... Mr.X said we'd sleep in the car & he'd hold onto our machete just in case....

mum calls & asks if i need her to hook us up with her mate... which i hate..

"nah mum i'd rather sleep in the car.. thanks.. goodnight"

as we put our seats down to crash.... the phone rings... it's my old work buddy...

we drive an hour to their house.... i've never been so tired from driving before.... so wound up... so cramped....

we rocked up.. parked the car & ran out for hugs as a huge sense of relief overcomes both myself & Mr.X...

after 2 bottles of champagne between the 4 of us... we go to bed.... im fucking exhausted... yet i cant get to sleep...

im free...

i want to let Mr.X's mother know he's okay and he's smiling & back to himself again...

it's beautiful outside and we're going to go for a walk...

xoxo

with much love, hate & freedom

Miss.X

Dear Mr.X's Mother

2007-10-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

Mr.X doesnt wanna hear about his family & the abuse they've dished out to me over the phone... which is understandable... so i'll just say what i need to say on here.... i'm not using names due to respect... yes... as much as u've pissed me off and pointed the finger at me... i still do respect you....

You say that i've made your son's head fucked up.... i might when we argue but i have a slight idea what's going on inside your son's head... can you say that you do?? what he does & says is different to what he thinks.... i still have no idea what he really thinks about... but i know enough to know that he really does have problems.. like all of us do.... why wont u just admit that to yourself?

you say i'm relentless and that im a "fucking slut" and that i'm bad for your son.... have you stopped to think about what you shovelling speed into him does?? he's told you in the past he's had problems with it... yet you dont give 2 fucks enough to hide it away so he cant get to it or to even tell him to slow down a bit.....

you know more than anyone how the shit fucks with ppl's heads.... so why wont u just admit that you may be more apart of the problem than you think...?

i know a lot of parents are in denial about their kids having problems.... but this is something u cant keep cracking it @ his girlfriends for.... you really hurt me by the things you've said...

i've been a positive influence on his life... not to sound like i'm self obsessed or that i've got a big head or anything... but he's said so to me himself & i know he wouldnt unless he meant it.

yes... we have our ups & downs.... and yes it makes both of us go insane & break stuff & punch hard shit.... but if we truly didnt love each other... we wouldnt have that kind of effect on each other... now would we??!!

we both love him so much & there's nothing neither of us wouldnt give up for him... stop with the name calling... i've copped enough abuse from you...

you son ran away from your home.... doesnt that say anything at all??

i know you hate me and blame me for everything.... i can understand why but in no way is it excuseable.

stop worrying.... our number 1 priorities are the same.... i promise i will look after him as i know he will me.

and on that note... i will say goodbye for another night

xoxo

with love & hate

Miss X

please.... just let me live

2007-10-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

no job
car's fucked
moved back home with mum n dad
within 5 minutes of being around my dad... he starts shit... like we all knew he would
i've cried more in the past couple of days than i ever have
i drove @ 3.30am on Mogadon to see if he was okay
it didnt turn out how i thought it would
they flipped & told me to leave or else the cops would be called
helpless.... cold... worried... scared... sorry... but most of all.. angry at myself
driving an hour & a half back home on an empty tank falling asleep @ the wheel
searching for something solid to drive into to cause sudden death
a promise is a promise...
i told him i needed him
no sleep
no food
no cutting
i should be so proud that i didnt give in to my blade...
i no longer feel content with life
i so desperately need to be in his arms
i need to show him how much he means to me
i wish i didnt have this stupid fucking brain that short circuited and pissed everyone off

just once a while..... when i think i've got it under control... it rears its ugly head and reminds myself & those closest to me how fucked i really am...

i snap into a rage....
an utter darkness
no one... nothing matters... not those i love, not life itself...

i do things...
i say that it's not me.... im not thinking...
but really, i am thinking... i am me...
it's just an ugly side of me that i cant control...
that i hate... that i'd to anything to get rid of...

dose me up on prescriptions... illicit substances...
but i'll snap out of it soon enough and flip out @ those who matter the most...

the look on mum's face when i was lying in bed curled in a ball as i screamed "mama, i dont wanna live anymore.... i dont wanna fight anymore... everything's fucked... i dont want to ever wake up"

she stared @ me with emptiness.... i knew she wanted to help her baby and take my pain away but this was the first time in 20 years she's ever seen this side...

i crawled out of bed this afternoon after the long drive... after yet another Mogadon not doing anything... threw myself into the shower...and convinced myself that if i did my hair & make up... it'll all be better...

so i wasted 2 hours trying to look better.... it didnt work...

mum came home.... and i apologised for last night....
"sorry mama... im okay now... i didnt mean to worry you.... sometimes i just go insane.... i told you i was crazy"

mum replies with a smile and tells me to eat something & stop thinking so much....
mum & dad want me to go to china.... cos apparently going there solves every problem under the sun... i'd die within a week... i cant speak chinese for shit..!!

the phone rang... it was him.
the one i've been yearning to hear from for so long.... it was only hours...but it felt like years.
i couldnt control my tears & i had to apologise for the stupid inexcusable behaviour... to his mum, sister & him. He told me everything would be okay... to get some food & rest...

I love you.... I love you too baby..

i am so ashamed... i just need to be me... without this dark shadow hanging over my head...

let me live

fake front

2007-10-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

im so fucking sick of "fake" cunts...

i'd like to think that i am a certain way...

that im honest... sometimes brutally honest...

i always thought that because i am like that... it'd be easier for people to be honest with me...

i know i can be annoying cos im hyperactive a lot of the time and usually am bouncing off the walls...

so i've grown to cut to the shit and just be straight out..

"if u think im annoying and u dont like me... tell me and i'll fuck off"

Responses;

Some people have been honest with me... and i've remained friends with till this day... amazingly they can actually stand me ...
Some people have been honest with me and told me what they've found annoying... i've either toned it down a bit.. or simply fucked them off...

but i've come to realise lately, that shitloads of people have pretended that everything was fine, but thought something else... and they were too cowardly to come out with it and just voice it...

All i've got to say is.... grow some fucking balls & be honest... it'd save a lot of my time as well as yours... (which i dont really give 2 fucks about)... it'd cut out shitloads of bullshit and effort on both sides...

Maybe it's just the kind of personality i have... im not shy to voice my opinions n shit... so i find it hard to understand why people just come out and say what they are really thinking....

Are people so afraid that they'll pretend to get along with ya... just to keep the peace..? jeebus.. im a 5'1 asian chick who giggles at everything that moves...

how the fuck can anyone be scared of me??!!

Why can't people just be honest...?

Anyone got any clues as to why...? this shit is really busting my balls... (or lack off)

tattoos & teardrops... with love & hate.... Miss. X

*mwOarz*

Missin' the 90's

2007-10-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

You're a 90s kid if:
You can finish this
[Ice Ice _ _ _ _ ]

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin West Philidelphia, born and raised . . ."

You remember watching:
- Hey Arnold
- The Bugs Bunny Show
- Ren & Stimpy
- Pinky and the Brain
- AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
- Rocko's Modern Life.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

FastFoward was the greatest sketch show on TV.

You remember:
- Step by Step
- Family Matters
- Dinosaurs
- Boy Meets World

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps" and "Animorphs."

Paul Jennings and Andy Griffiths were the funniest authors of all time.
You watched Round the Twist!
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You said "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not

When everything was settled by:
- Rock, Scissors, Paper
- Dip dip...
- There's a party by the pool, would you like to come?
- Eeny, meeny, miny, mo!

When Cops & Robbers was a daily activity.
When we played Tiggy, Safe, 40/40 and Hide & Seek until our legs grew numb.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of all time.
Tazos owned chip packets.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You remember when Super Nintendo and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Wally books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember Push Pops and Lucky Dips.
And YoGo gorilla... and the original Cocoa Pops monkey: "It's just like a chocolate milkshake - only crunchy!"

Home-made birthday cards were cool, especially the ones where you'd cut a mouth into it so that it opened up and a tongue popped out.
Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them.
Tamagotchis had to be banned in school because of their popularity.

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet with dial up!Juice boxes where only 80cents.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
You knew Michael Jordan was the best all-time basketballer who played for the Chicago Bulls, even though we don't follow NBA basketball.
Barbie & Ken by Mattel owned the shelves.
World 4 Kids, before Toys R Us.
Playdough was the coolest stuff invented.
You understand when I say "Cheez TV".
You collected all the Troll dolls.
If you even know what a walkman is.
The original Pokemon with Ash, Misty and Brock.
Before those try-hards at the Yu-Gi-Oh production plant.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena off by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You went to McDonald's to play in the playground, and Happy Meals only cost $2.95 for a cheeseburger, small fries and coke.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
You had slap bracelets!

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When petrol was $0.65 a litre & Caller ID was a new thing.
When you had to be one lucky kid to get a mobile phone before you were 16.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.

Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90s so much!!!!!

another night for another low

2007-10-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

legs turn to a quivering mess

arms become a canvas for my blade

cheeks feel raw from the constant tears

eyes are swollen & i cant seem to see properly

soul feels crushed by a legion of pain

spirit ... vanished

i feel besieged by this crippling illness...

I’ve been eaten alive by this monster...

this fucking pill doesn’t work!!

I’ve lost the real me...

migraines from sleepless nights crying over nothing in particular...

overwhelming thoughts of nothing ... but everything...

attempts of turning emotional pain to physical don’t seem to work anymore

"small pains" don’t do what they once did...

"big pains" may cause more than just a few drops of blood

i'm on a merry-go-round of depression & i cant fucking get off...

the glamorous life of my depression & i...

confessions of a bum

2007-10-01T02:27:00.000-07:00

Our big adventure hasn't really moved forward at all for a couple of weeks... which i'm strangely enjoying, yet getting quietly shitty about...

im getting into the lifestyle of a bum...

i feel quite guilty due to the fact that im totally useless and a drain on society... fulfilling NO beneficial function whatsoever.

im living up in the country in a "A Country Practice" looking house... with nothing but lush green grass, gorgeous cows & towering trees as far as the eye can see...

the scenery is breathtaking, the air crisp and no one to bother us...

so... what the fuck is the problem, you may ask??

i go to bed at about 12am.... i wake up past noon.... and then we may drive down to melbourne... or spend the day in front of the television watching dickheads like Huey, Judge Judy or god forbid if i woke up early enough.. Kerri Anne...

Now do you see my little dilemma??

im wasting precious time up here on doing NOTHING!!!

From now on... my attitude will change... i need to do more...

its gonna be about what i did today... not what i bought...
its who i spent time with... not who i bitched about...

its about finding fun and what truly makes my heart giddy instead of being so wrapped up in the latest gadgets, celebrity gossip & all the other distractions that we’re constantly bombarded with...

-not that i knew shit about celeb gossip n shit... but u know what i mean!-

well, that's enough for today... i'll update again when i have something nice to say

tattoos & teardrops
with love & hate...

Miss. X

welcome to my mind

2007-09-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

i'm having a bit of trouble with figuring this whole "first post" thing out...
apparently it's meant to be THE SHIT and catch people's attention enough to become regular readers....

i dont see the fucking point... but then again, i do miss a lot of jokes due to the same reason...

anyways...

im a 20 year old not-so-typical chick...

in the past month or so, Mr.X & i have sold all our shit and we're getting ready to leave Melbourne, to travel this wide land of ours called Oz...

i'll be ranting on about the mischiefs we get up to, the unique & not so unique people we meet & all that other shit travellers blog about...

PLUS whatever random shit i decide to be bothered blogging about...

im blogging cos i have a shithouse memory (probably due to my job as a part time recreational drug user) and i want to remember this trip... even if those memories are based upon sketchy blog entries i've done while sleep deprived, starving, high, exhausted from wild outback sex.... upon shitloads of other reasons that my fried brain cannot think of at the present moment...

if people in cyberspace want to read about my excellent adventure... read away!!... and comments are fun to read cos they make me feel less insignificant... Oh, and because i'm also a closet attention seeker... but shhh.. only the cyberspace world knows that ...

just to clear some shit up... i may write about drugs in here, but i am in no way dependant on them... (besides my daily dosage of my happy pill) .". i function fairly normal without chemicals in my body, although without my trusty anti-depressants i do get a bit kooky & insane...

i think drugs take your mind & body to another level that otherwise would be really fucking hard to acheive without certain chemicals acting inside your body...i pity those who are too close minded to try them... you're fucking missing out buddy...but then again... i do respect personal choice...

to something a little more serious... (which i try to avoid as making a habit) i have depression & im sick of the stigma in which it's surrounded by... maybe to those who haven't experienced clinical depression, or been close enough to someone who has gone though it... it'll show ya that us "crazy-mentally-ill-people" aren't what you see in the movies...

moving right along now...

i hope cyberspace enjoys my little rants about my big adventure around australia.

till next time,

tattoos & teardrops

with love & hate...

Miss. X